Bye 2008, HELLOOO 2009!!

Looking back on this year, especially my blog entries of this year, I would really have to say it has really been a rollercoaster ride. Ups and mostly downs, I really didn't expect that in one year I could experience so much. From, getting backstabbed to being hit by a car, getting rejected by people to having a sympathy date from a girl who is now halfway around the world. To be really frank, I think this is really the most happening year of my life (so far..). The best part, I finally completed my New Year resolution that I've held for so many years. Wow, so many things, so many moments, how the hell to embrace all...

Anyway, Happy New Year to all, and thanks for making 2008 a year not to forget, for those who have been with me through the bad, I really want to thank all of you. I wish we didn't have to seperate but as 2009 arrives so does new pathways and new roads open up, and for some the decision is made for you and we have to go our seperate ways. So I really wish all of you the best and may God bless....

Out Of Desperation...

Til now, I still don't know if I did the right thing. On one hand I'm glad, I stayed, but on the other I still have the urge to go get another plane ticket. But, now I can't. Why? Because I'm stupid....

I was stuck in a maze that I couldn't get out of and I was frustrated, so I decided to cheat, I tried to buy my way out. I spend all my life savings, only not to go through with it. Now, I'm stuck with not even a penny to my name. I was desperate for an answer and so I made a rash decision. It's my fault, I get it, but it is pissing me off when everyone is rubbing it in my face. Sooner or later, if this does not stop, I will hurt someone, I just know I will, to make things worse, this time I can't buy my way out...

Looks like I can add another thing to my regret list for the year. A friend of mine once said, I was stupid because I was the type of person that would chop his arm off and sell it just so to help a friend. That really pissed me off, I was so close to killing him, but, the thing that he didn't know was, I wasn't angry at him (though he won't see it that way), I was angry at the fact that he was right. And if he was with me yesterday, he would have probably smack me in the head and rub it in my face saying he was right. You see, I was so desperate for money that I accepted a job that I know I couldn't handle all by myself, but like I said, I was desperate. To makes things worse, the amount of money I was getting was peanuts comparing to the money I would have earn in the market. Like I said, I was desperate. Then when the time came, everything that could screw up, screwed up. Instead of earning money, the money I got was just to cover the taxi fare I had to spend on and the batteries I had to buy, and now I'm back to where I was....

Don't even have enough to buy a decent present......fuck....

Maybe It's Time...

Saying goodbyes are hard....really hard...

But i guess it's necessary this time. For one last time, take care...

Can this be true??...

I didn't believe my ears. Did I hear what you say? Was it what I thought it was?

If that is true, then I guess there is still hope for me yet. Those words you said, have open my eyes wide open. But, it also made me question my intentions. What will I do now? What am I suppose to do now? Again, more questions and yet no answer in sight. But for tonight...just for a moment, I feel like there is still hope for me yet...

Thank you...

First of the Month...

It's the first of the month, the last month of the year....

Oh how time flies....it felt like only yesterday, I was in the lecture theatre finding my class, but now is already the last stretch before I....*poof*....

So many questions...no answers...damn...

Haiz...oh well. Back to work....no sleep.

Sleep? What is that?

Incomplete...

Today, was great...

It was better than great...

My heart should be filled up with glee...

But I can't help to feel like something is missing...

Regret?...

Remorse?...

I'm lost....

I'm incomplete...for now?

Forever?...

Guesses, nothing but guesses....

~Goodbye is always hard to say, but I guess this time it's necessary. You want me gone and I understand. You say you don't but til now you still cannot hide your true intentions behind those big round beautiful eyes of yours. I didn't mean to make things complicated and for that, I really am sorry. But, I guess when you say it like that, right in my face, then I guess I have to listen. You were right, you are in my heart and you will always remain there no matter what you say and do because after all this is through I'm going to be the one standing through the storm and the sea and would be waiting for you just like I say I would, just like I promised. If I have to wait five years, then I will. If it takes me til the day I die then so be it.

I guess we both were blind to see, what was right in front of our eyes. Mine then yours. I'm sorry things had to be the way they had to be. You have your reasons and I have mine. I wish things could have been different but I guess for you, fate didn't let it and for me, I didn't want to accept it. No surprise there, huh? It always makes me wonder how two people who are so different can be so similar yet at the same time be so similar yet so different. I always thought I would be the one you would rely on, but how the tables turn in the end. Was it that difficult to trust me? I guess it was, and I don't blame you. I have one last gift for you, and after that, I'm gone. I'll probably be sad and I would be hurt, but I guess after all this time even when you say you care, your words are just words. I'm used to the pain, like torture that has become a routine. I guess, it's better this way....

Forever loved by,
Me....

The Big TWO - O....

Well, what can I say. With all the stuff going on I think I should kill myself, and what better way to kill myself with....FOOD!!

Finally, get to try the QUAD-STACKER from Burger King. To be honest, it was kind of a disappointment becauseI was expecting something much bigger, but hey, can't complain, at least I get to eat. WOOHHOOO!!

Heavy lunch, now heavy dinner. Simple dishes and enjoyed simply with family.

But now, is the end and I can't make anymore excuses for myself. I did alot of stupid and horrible shit and I really wish I could take it all back but life wouldn't be much of a challenge like that, would it? Prior to this day, I did alot of thinking and alot of digging and I found out alot of things about other people. People I care about. It seems they are all not what they are crapped out to be. But then again none of us are. It hurts me deep inside that I have to find out the way I did but I guess that's the way my life is. You think you on a cruise and on your way you got swarmed by birdshit that is littered all over your face (Inside joke, sorry). The point is, maybe its my fault because I went digging, but I imagined if I didn't find out now and found out later. God only knows how I would react or whether I would be able control my anger. Now, that I am that much older, my mind is racing much more, suspicions rise even faster and I'm there questioning every single deed that happen in my life. Sigh, I guess, its just time. I've got to do, what I've got to do.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

I'm sorry, I can't be the man you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry that I can't fulfil your dream for me.
I'm sorry that you are disgusted by the man I've become.
I'm sorry that I can't keep my promise.
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment to you.
I'm sorry that you will never see me succeed.
I'm sorry that our time remaining is short.
I'm sorry that I cannot promise you things will get better.
I'm sorry that I cannot tell you how I really feel.
I'm sorry for all the times I pushed you away when all you wanted was help.
I'm sorry for the times I never heed your advice.
I'm sorry for the times I didn't pray because I was pissed.
I'm sorry that you have to see me suffer.
I'm sorry that I wasted every opportunity I had.
I'm sorry for being such a coward.
I'm sorry for not being stronger.
I'm sorry for every hug, I miss to give.
I'm sorry for every kiss, I neglect to give.
I'm sorry that after your gone, I will never be loved ever again.

I'm sorry....

No matter how many times I say it, it doesn't take the pain away. I know you wanted to see me happy before you go yet I can't even give you that. All I can give you is this smile of a charade that you always seem to see through. I know you wanted me to find someone to call my own because you didn't get that chance. I want you to know that I'm okay. There is someone, but I think I ruin whatever chances I had. We didn't even know if we would be happy together. I guess we will never will. It's not that I want to give up. I tried moving on. I don't think the time is right. I guess we are just different. No, it's not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself. Please, don't cry. You did your best, please have no regrets. Our time together is shorter than you think and I don't want to spend our final moments together pointing fingers. I had my chance but I blew it because I was too afraid. It's my fault, not yours. Please, don't blame that her. I don't deserve a second chance and that is the truth. That is just who she is. Don't waste your prayers on me, it's not going to work. Save them for yourself. Let's not think about the future, let's just deal with what is now. Don't say it's not too late because it is. That door is closed for me forever. No, please, don't give up. Hang on, just for a few more hours, and those hours will turn to days as days will give you years. The years will not be kind, but I will be here with you even when I'm not. I love you too much to let you go now. Please, just hang on....

~My answers, to her questions...

My Last Embrace...

As I walked in, tears flowed down her face. I wiped the tears of her face and told her, "Everything will be okay." She raised her head and I felt the frost that was her lips on my cheeks. No matter what I said, the tears kept flowing. I kept wiping her tears and she grabbed my hand, almost assuring she would not forget me, no matter what happens, but I know, regardless it's not going to be the same. She is not going to be the same, our lives would never be the same. I would never be the same. But I have to stay strong, that is all I can think about. Even if all the blame is pushed onto me, I have to carry it and only me, it's my responsibility now.

I sat by her bed as she hold and gently rub my hand with her thumb, just like she used to do so many years ago whenever I felt the world was against me. That was her way of telling me that I'm not alone. But if that is true then why do have to hide in the shadows, why do I have to smile and make jokes when others have their head in their hands. No, I'm alone, that is the way its suppose to be.

"It's time to go." Those words made it harder for her to stop crying. She didn't want to leave, "Everything will be ok. I promise" and for the first time in my life, I made a promise that I dont know that I can keep. As I walked with her to prepare her for whats to come, she kept quiet the whole way. Down the elevator, I saw a slight glimmer in her eyes, a familiar glimmer I've seen before, and I knew she was lost. I don't know what was going through her mind and it pisses me off, that there is nothing I can do. Helplessness, seems to be a well-known friend of mine these few weeks.

As she prepares for the next step, I see tears again. I wipe away her tears but it just kept coming. "Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong", I kept repeating it over and over in my head, only to hear, "Excuse me, you have to leave now". I swallowed my anger, straighten up my back, no frowns, no tears, just a smile on my face. She holds back my hand, I told, "everything will be ok". I embrace her one last time, as I felt the warmth of her lips touched my cheek. I kissed her forehead and whispered, "Don't forget me, I miss you, I LOVE YOU". I walked away, I can hear her sniffles but I know there is no turning back, leaving her fate to a man I don't even know the name of. I have to stay strong and walk away.

I know when I see her on the seventh hour later, it will not be her anymore. The person that I loved and cared for will not be there. But I will accept my loss, and be strong....




In this time of my need,
it is often you I seek,
but not this time,
as the decision is not mine.

Fate is a nasty game,
each game, never the same,
but for me,
the outcome is always pain.

I want to disappear
without any fears
in hoping one day
I'd find my own way

I hide,
another day,
A cut so deep inside,
but I'm always okay...

Time After Time...

End of the month and the start of a new. For some, life resumes normally, for others, the start of a new chapter. For me, I think it is the end and the start of the the rest of my life. If you don't understand what it means then just ask me, I think I will be able to explain better in speech. Anyway, why I publish this post is because, I have seen emotions fly left, right, up & down and some have no where to turn, so this song is for you, MY FRIENDS. This song is for you. Even with all that is going in my life now, please do not hesitate to turn to me if you need someone. If I can help, I will. And don't think as yourself as a burden, I will be more than happy to help because in a way you are helping me. By helping you with your problems, I can forget mine. Like I told someone, "I have never gived up on my friends, and I'm not planning to start now."

So though I insist, I probe or even annoy you, it's just my way of showing I care. I'm sorry but that's just me. I may not get to choose who I love, but I definitely get to choose how to love. If I haven't been the same lately, I again apologise, but I'm ok. I'm always ok.

Weight On My Shoulders...

The first time I heard news...shoulders became heavy and my eyes became watery. Then my brother screamed at me, "Telling me that I have to be strong. I have to be a man."
The tears I want to shed were not there, still I needed someone to talk to, surely I can't handle this by myself. I called the only person I loved, but there was no answer even when I repeated my calls. When I felt down, my brother screamed at me again and the words was stuck in my head, "I must be strong!"

Later, when I saw this sign, as you can see in the pic above, I laughed. For the sake for those that cannot see from the pic, it says, "EVERY SINGLE WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT HELPED TRANSFORM OUR FEAR INTO COURAGE" I have no idea why I laughed. But at that point, I guess I was just being brave. Maybe I laughed because I know that even if there was no word of encouragement from any source, I still have to tranform my greatest fear into courage. And tomorrow at 8 am in the morning, I would have to be stronger than I have ever been in my whole entire life, no matter what the doctor tells me. I must be strong...

Gajah Watch: Max Payne (Out In Cinemas Now)...

Ok, alot of video game/cartoon/anime based movies are coming out nowadays and Max Payne is no different. To me, Max Payne should be chucked to the I'M-A-MOVIE-BASED-ON-SOMETHING-BUT-IN-THE-END-NEVER-FOLLOW-THE-ACTUAL-STORY catergory. And as the catergory states, the movie didn't follow the actual story that was shown to the video game, and I thought that was okay because they could enjoy the action. However, again I was wrong, because my guests that had never played the game before, didn't seem to enjoy the movie very much. He said and I quote,"I almost fell asleep", and who can blame him? The plot was different so gamers would be disappointed and the dialogues were too long and there was barely any action. The action at the end were not that fantastic either, the bullet time was only there to show you in slow motion how bad the shooting of the bad guys were. I mean, a military guy using a automatic assault rifle with a scope (WITH A SCOPE!!), can miss so badly 4 times. I mean if he was firing from the hip like most villians would do, it would be understandable that he will miss, but the guy had the time to aim and shoot throught the SCOPE!! I mean he was using a SCOPE!!

Anyway, when it comes to video game/cartoon/anime based movies, casting is really important for me. So as I watch intently, Mark Wahlberg was a not bad Max Payne but I kind of think he needs to make his voice a little deeper. Maybe if he made himself had a sore throat I mean the lady in the exorcist did that so that she could add horror to her voice. However, he did give a good performance in the end. Other than that, I guess all fit their role one way or another, the russian girls have that russian look to them so I guess their okay. I mean, its not like they have alot of screen time anyway. No real favourite, though, I think Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, gave a surprising performance being the Internal Affairs(IA), but then again his character was not really important and pretty straight-forward so I think it was relatively easy. It was also good to see Chris O'Donnell back on the big screen after he being MIA for so long. I mean, his other major performace was...what? (Batman and Robin as Robin?)

All in all, I guess its an okay movie. It was disappointing for me but luckily I had the company to improve on things. Maybe the sequel (if there is one..) comes out, it would be the redemption for this one.

End Of A Chapter...

It was the last day of internship and so with that, hopefully, the whole fiasco is all over. The last day was great, I guess we really all left in a high note, a great one at that. We had a feast and then we all go KARA-O-KE!! Basically, we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. Haha, ok maybe I just destroyed all the 19th century songs with my horrible singing but nonetheless it was great fun. Plus, I even found out that at least some people not only can do a good beatbox, he also has a kickass voice to go along with it. Damn, man, you should have seen all the girls going,"WHOA!!" and just staring at him. HAHA, I believe I can fly is your tune now, bro. Good job, bro and I'm proud of you. You really are a different person, a better person since the start and I hope you will continue to improve. Though I had nothing to do with it, keep moving forward and whatever you are doing to get better, keep doing it.

There will be alot of things I'll miss. I'll miss working with my new found friends, I'll miss the water parades, I'll miss the food, the girls (oh, how I'll miss the girls... :( ), MY FAVOURITE CHAIRand I will even miss the chinaman calling me, "childish" all the time. But I guess like the saying goes,"All good things must come to an end", and though it pains me to figure out what is laying ahead for me, I've got to do it. Got to put my head into a different state of mind. Thanks for the memories and although this maybe the last I see you guys, I hope our friendship doesn't end here. Like I said before I left, "Aedios Amigos!!"

Another Night Out...

Whoa, I really going to "default" (those working in bank will know..). I love celebrating birthdays, I dont know why but I do. People always say, "why celebrate your birthday, you're only counting down to your death". Well that may be true but I got one reply to that, "Don't SO emo can, not?" Yeah, it's true, your birthday comes every other year. But, its that year to you have to be grateful for. I may experience my birthday this year but who knows whether I will celebrate my birthday next year. For me, I'm just glad that I can reach my birthday and I will be glad if I could reach my next birthday even if no one remembers it or I not celebrating it. To me, it's a milestone that I have reached, that I have grown and I have experienced.

That is why I am glad that I can celebrate one more birthday with my friends. I know there are a few more birthdays coming up this year and I am really running short on funds, but knowing me, I'll never run out of ideas. Where there is a will there is a way...

A message to bday boy today:
People maybe in badshape, but nobody can take away the pain even GOD. But you can help ease the pain. The pain is there for us to experience, to learn, to grow. But if you continue to enjoy every moment with them like you did today, you are doing more than enough and you should be proud. Thanks for the opportunity to enjoy such great celebration, I'm sure all had a great time. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Gajah Watch: Eagle Eye (In Cinemas Now)...

Prior to watching this movie, I heard rumors that the ending sucks. But being me, I just decided to be open-minded anyway.

The start of the movie was rather interesting. For the the first 10 mins of the movie, I actually thought that I was in the wrong cinema because the start of the movie looked like it had nothing to do with the trailer that I've seen. The only comfort I had was when they finally decided to show the title of the movie. So with a great start, I thought that the movie was going rather well, as the characters were being introduced, they showed a good back story so you know the personality and the struggles they had, even before a single phone call would change their lives forever. The climax of the show was rather dry for me because as the characters were travelling around I realise my eyes were actually closed for some parts of it. However, I've got to say, the whole technological thing was rather interesting. It kinds of reminds us of the power, computers have over humans if we are not careful. If we let the computers control everything and that everything is automated, we might even live to regret it. Moving on, the dialouges were okay, but expected more humour or sarcasm especially if you have an actor like Shia LeBeouf as your lead, but it was ok, it had some funny moments that actually left the audience laughing through all the panic and choas on screen. Speaking of cast, I was rather surprise to see familiar faces like, Rosario Dawson, Micheal Chiklis, Ethan Embry and a few more familiar faces that are more known on the small screen movies rather than blockbusters. More so, I didn't really know what to expect seeing Shia LeBeouf acting in such a serious movie but I'd have to admit, I think he did rather well. This performance that he gave sure beats the "scared boy" performance that was shown in Disturbia. At least this time, he sucked it in and decides to do something about it. But, I would have to say, Billy Bob Thornton really gave a brilliant performace as the badass FBI agent in the movie. His character really brought the edge it needed in this movie.

Still with the rumour wandering around in my head, I thought of every worse scenario ending I could think of, but I would have to say the action towards the end was actually captivating yet abit mind-bloggling(ok, maybe for me) because as you thought the action is over, you can bet Steven Spielberg always make sure there is a twist at the end.

All in all, well-directed movie, not really a blockbuster but it was quite-entertaining. Not really a movie if you just want to shut off your brain. This movie really makes you think and most of the time trying to anticipate how the lead characters are going to get out of the pickle their in. A movie to watch but not really worth the weekend tickets unless there is nothing else, a cool movie due to the technological advnaces shown but other than that, maybe it would be wise to wait for the movie to be shown on tv...

The joyous day that is not so joyous...

Today was Hari Raya, and first thing first, Selamat Hari Raya to my muslim friends....

I thought today would be a good break for me after having to endure so much for the past two weeks. I wanted to smile, laugh and just forget everything. But some people just had to be assholes. Yeah, ok fine, maybe I deserved what's coming. I never pray enough, I manipulate people, I'm evil, I'm mean, and yeah I'm the devil's prodigy. I took everything given to me and swallow it like it was candy and smile. I took everything and accepted it because I knew I deserve what was coming. I took every dagger, every bullet, every blade and poison that came coming my way because it was payback. But what did my mom ever do. She has been nothing but the a kind soul. Yes she lies but who in the world doesn't. She prays 5 times a day like any other muslim would. She fast more than any muslim, I ever known. Her body is almost as pure as water itself but why does she have to go through so much. Haven't she endure enough? Give me the pusnishments, break my heart. Leave her alone. She didn't do anything wrong, why torment her? Give me the pain. I WANT THE PAIN!! Let her be free. She deserve much better. She don't deserve this. Today, was suppose to be a joyous occasion, instead you leave her answering questions she never knew she had to. What's wrong with you! You're suppose to be perfect!! You're suppose to be ALMIGHTY!! But you torment the ones who actually gives a damn about you!! ARE FUCKING CRAZY??!!

You want me to beg? Fine, here I am on my knees, begging you, leave my mom alone, if you want someone to touture just for fun, I'm here...I'm the evil one...

At first, there was no one that would answer my messages, no one to give a damn. But then out of the blue, I found one who was willing to listen. Don't know whether that person cared but at least willing to listen was more than good enough for me. So i thank that person again from the bottom of my heart, for letting me saying what i need to say, for listening so that i don't have to hold things in anymore. The sad thing is that person will never understand how much i appreciate that moment.

I know some are sick of hearing my sad stories, but this is the only space i have to let loose the anger i hold inside. I'm sorry but your sympathy is not what i'm asking for, if that is what you think. It's your ears that i'm yearning for, for i can hold everything in and smile, but with everything there always comes a limit...

And what a fitting end to the day it is, as it rains like tears from the sky, as i have to endure to watch my own mother, cry herself to sleep....

One Night Stand...

To be honest, I really feel like crap today, first it was cause of my mom, that one long story. Then I got my warning letter personally from my LO also(kinda expected to be coming right?). Then, just when I thought the whole situation was over, the whole matter blew up in my face. Now, the Course Manager is involved...

However, I made a promise to my friend in the morning that I wouldn't be pissed at anyone and that I won't lose my cool even though I was wrongly prosecuted because it was his birthday, and I'm glad to say, the day has ended and I'm still as cool as the amount of ice cream I had just now. Anyway, after work, the "pizza hut gang" went to celebrate our friend's birthday, and I tell you it was a fiesta never to be missed. There was so much food, everybody felt like their stomach was going to explode, and we ate so much ice cream, the sugar was getting to our heads like as if we were drunk. We laughed so hard, it made it even harder to keep all the food in our tummies. And, the jokes, was glorious. I think the most memorable one would be the F1-engine powered, escalator. HAHA. Plus the F1-engine powered sushi converyor belt. Power!! And who could forget the new saying, "When it comes to love, age doesn't matter but when it comes to sex...it does"...heh heh heh heh

Anyway, I called this entry one night stand because to me it really felt like it was one. We had problems in the office and my peers may get fucked even though they didn't do anything wrong. But for one night, we laugh, we sing song, play mahjong and the rest didnt matter. It didn't matter that the next day that we were going to have to face reality and fight for our survival of our internships. It didn't matter that I have ruin my future and the future of other interns. It didn't matter that people at the office were fucking everybody in the ass just so they won't die alone. It didn't matter...

What matters to me, anyways, was that for once I really get to keep my promise and made my friends laugh and smile their heart out. Now, we are just waiting for the next birthday bash. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

(Note: If I use vulgarity, means the situation is really, really very bad. Basically, I'm fucked...)

For someone and i think you know who you are:
I've said what I needed to say,
Your actions is all that I'm waiting for.

Gajah Makan: Red Beer...

Tough week? Feel like you need something with a lil "kick"? But something that won't get you drunk? Well, I may have just the thing for you. With my latest concoction, you will have the "push" that you need to just move forward and get on with your day. Introducing, the "Red Beer". This non-alcoholic drink is a great remedy for those tough days. The best part is you can drink as much as you want and won't get drunk (However other symptoms may occur... :P). Plus, you can even control the strength of your drink. So, depending on how much your day sucked, you can have the appropriate strength to it...

Red Beer Ratios:

Straight up (Personal Favourite): 1 can of red bull : 1 can of root beer(not just any root beer, the old root beers which still have the caffeine in them so as it will give you the kick after mixing it with the red bull's caffeine)

Weak: 1 can of red bull : 1 can of non-caffinenated root beer (MUG's will do) plus 1/2 a can of soda water or to taste

Super Rocker (This is for a real hell of a week): 2 cans of red bull : 1 can of caffinenated root beer (WARNING: Major stoneage or headache may occur.)

Straight up...what a treat..

So, there you got it a great drink for a horrible day....

Hahaha...I went shopping for... RED BULL!!
Check out my new mug too.

Oh, and as I was on my way home with so many cans of red bull, an old man who was beside me offered to carry my drinks for me, but in return I have to invite him to the party I'm going to. Hahaha...siao ah pek. But he was right about one thing though. I was going to a party. A party of...ONE! ME!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm planning to break my records. Here are my current ones:

Fastest time to finish one can of Red Bull: 3.2 secs
Most number of cans drank(before I stoned): 9 cans
Least number of gulps to finish one can: 5 gulps

Wish me luck, I'm going to attempt to break my records tonight. First I'm attempting to drink a total of 16 cans of red bull. It shouldn't be so hard, since my new mug can fit about 2 and a 1/2 cans of red bull in one shot. Oooohhhhhweeee....I'll try not to wake up tomorrow...haha

A hell of a week...

Well, every week there's ups and down, right? Let's see the ups, I had fun breaking fast with the guys on Thurs, and though everything was closing we didn't let that stop us from having fun. Hmm...I think that's about it.

Now, the downs, hmm...I lost someone I love, I think I kind of ended my career before it got started, my reputation is now on the line, I think I'm going to fail my internship(only thise who knows the story knows why...), my phone batt died just as when my bro wanted to meet me last minute, I fell sick so bad I had to break fast early for three days, I have to register my medical for NS which I think I most probably will fail. Wow...really a hell of a week.

Oh well, I think I'm going to be fine. Just need red bull for energy to keep going and off I go. Well, when you hit rock bottom the only other way is to go up, right? Or can you stay at the bottom? Hmm...I guess time will tell. No worries, got my chin up and hoping next week will be better. Lots of birthday activities and presents to plan...phew. There goes my pocket again, and my mum always wonder why my money disappears so fast...haiz, if she only knew...HAHAHAHA!

Quote of the day...

My conversation with my colleague/friend really got interesting today. For some reason, as we were talking about random things, he suddenly started throwing quotes at me that he "happen" to hear from other people. However, every quote or saying he used, I have never heard before in my life which was weird. I don't know why but it was just weird. Anyway, the thing is, most of the quotes he used, I was able to understand, meaning I know what he was trying to say, all except one. The quote was "You can only stop love...with love". Til now, that quote keeps ringing in my head. I mean, he explained that, for example, if the person I care about is in love with someone that I think is bad for her, I can't stop her unless I so called,"steal her away" by showing her love. To be honest after typing that explaination I still don't understand, but I do wonder if it is similar to, "Fighting fire with fire". I really don't know but I can't get that stupid quote out of my head. I mean if the person I love is in love with someone else that I think is bad for her I don't think I want to "steal her away", I mean if she loves someone else, but she is happy then I don't think it matters whether the guy is bad or not. At least she is "blindly" happy... :P. Plus I don't think it would be fair to the guy, I mean, I know how it feels when the one you love is taken away from you. Damn, this is really stupid and irritating, I really wish I have never heard that stupid quote. ARGH!!


On a different note, this for those who keep asking me how I am. Basically, I'm the same, can't sleep well. Maybe, one or two hours, max. So to enegise myself, I turn to my old friend and the friend of the Chinaman, "RED BULL!!". I think I just went through my 3rd can just writing this entry. I am sure to be stoned tomorrow. But I need the energy. I know "Red Bull" is not good for me especially in my condition, but what other choice do I have. Besides, what do doctors know and why should I listen to them. Doctors are ignorant and all they can think about is their paycheck. They promise you that they can cure your cancer but their so called,"treatment" only spreads the cancer. They promise not to amputate your leg, then they cut off you leg and watch you die. Fuckers...why the hell should I even listen to what they have to say. The only thing doctors are good for is to get MC so that you can skip school or work. Other than that, I rather take my chances and live the way I want to live, so even if I die at least I do so happy...ok, maybe not happy but at least I'll die young, and everybody knows that dying is just the easy way out to live, and I do like taking the easy the way out. Hahaha. Ok, I think I need another drink, but before I do, I just want to apologise to those who call and sms me with no reply from me, it's either I'm just stoned or my head hurts too much...hahaha...

Who The Hell Is This Kid??...

So just surfing youtube and I came across this small korean boy, Sungha Jung. This kid just blew me away. I mean, this kid got mad skills, yo. Damn, he just makes me so jealous because I know I am never going to be able to play the guitar as close to him, but he is a real treat to watch, I just admire his technique. I only wish he would smile more because he don't look like he is enjoying playing, maybe if he wrote his own tune then maybe a smile will come on his face. But, he is seriously amazing and I encourage all to check out his videos, he has a few. Some of those, that I like are, Wake Me Up When September Ends, With Or Without You, More Than Words and California Dreaming. I don't really know much about him but after seeing what he can do, I don't think that really matters. Three cheers for you, kid...

Sungha Jung playing Wake Me Up When September Ends...

Are You Stupid....

Well, I can't sleep... Any surprise there? I don't think so. So I was bored and decided to put something in my blog. Hmm...let's see...

Ahh...Ok, well I was in the gym recently(about 8 hours ago), resting and waiting to do my second set of my exercise when I heard this game show on the radio. Apparently, if I'm not wrong, you have to answer three qns and depending on how many you get right, you win a prize or something. The questions are just simple questions that you learn in secondary school, easy right? Well, I guess some people just don't think before they call. It went something like this...(Note: Mind you I can't remember the exact words because my brain seriously had no oxygen...)

Radio DJ: So what subject do you want? English? Social Studies? Science? Maths? Or History?

Caller: Ahh...maths ah, maths...

Radio DJ: Ok, so here is your question. How many sides does a hexagon have?

Caller: Ahh...8 la...(confident answer)

Radio DJ: That's....WRONG!! Hey, hexagon got 6 la dey, 8 is called octagon.

Caller: Oh...(paiseh liao..:P)

Radio DJ: Ok, next subject?

Caller: Ahh...english la, english..

Radio DJ: Ok, here is your question. What is the past tense of Bleed?

Caller: Whoa..past tense of bleed ah...ah...bleed ah...ah..past tense ah? Hmm...(like 20 secs later when my exercised also going to complete then..) Oh...oh bled.

Radio DJ: Phew, That's correct. Ok now pick your final subject.

Caller: Ah...science la science...

Radio DJ: Ok, here is your question. Now, in the periodic table, which element, does the letter K stand for?

Caller: Ah...I think Sodium.

Radio DJ: WRONG!!! Hey, so now answer me this question, are you stupid?

Caller: Ah..don't know la.

Radio DJ: You better go school tomorrow...

After the DJ said that, I was laughing my ass off until I almost drop the weights on my foot. I don't know if that guy was trying to be funny or he was really trying, but the whole thing was just hilarious. My brother told me to give him a break because at least in the science part he said Sodium, at least its another REAL element. He said if the guy was really dumb he would probably say, K in the periodic table is for KAYU!!(wood in malay).

Well, again, I guess you have to be there to get it...

Gajah Makan: Office Makan...

So...its the fasting month now, and thus, not alot of "makan-ing" going on, but since alot of people actually asked me what I eat for lunch, I have actually collected a few pictures over the last few weeks...


Everyone's favourite place or the most common place to eat is the Golden Shoe Hawker Centre. There a wide range of food with cheaper prices and acceptable or "so-so" quality. However, some is food really stands out. The most common dish for the muslim interns are Nasi Briyani(sorry no pic..) and the different kinds of chicken rice. The Nasi Briyani from the Golden Nur stall that was previously featured in this blog for their Mee Goreng, have one of the best, if not the best Nasi Briyani in the CBD area. Although the curry given is too little to my liking, they make it up with the quality of the whole dish. The rice is very fragrant which can barely be said for some Briyani from other stalls, and to my surprise they served the rice with chicken that is fried and not of those being cooked with the rice. Given this unorthodox situation, I was expecting the chicken to be hard like most places I've eaten before but again to my surprise, I could cut the chicken with the plastic spoon that was given which was very flimsy in the first place. To be honest, I was really won over by the quality of the fried chicken, and it is no wonder some of my colleagues can eat the Nasi Briyani for almost 10 days in a row. Besides the Nasi Briyani, another mention would have to be the Chicken Rice. There is a stall that sells chicken rice of all sorts. From the regular to lemon chicken to Teriyaki and even Ayam Penyet, just don't ask the auntie why the chicken looks different from the picture unless you are prepared to get a earful. One unlucky(or in my friends terms "bad lucky") female customer learn it the hard way, and I was there just enjoying the show. Another best kept secret there, would have to be the "Mutton Steak Kuah", holding the price tag of $4 it is actually above most budgets but if you bring your own bread, it would make a fantastic meal. It is like the indians' version of a Lamb Stew but with and indian kick, and when I say kick I really mean after eating a few spoonfuls your tastebuds will really get a kick. I love spicy food and this mutton steak kuah was the exact dose of hotness I needed after enduring weeks of food that were catered to the masses(mainly ang mohs and cinas..no offense though)

Chicken Rice Merango - Basically chicken rice with a special sauce on it...

Chicken Rice Teriyaki - Basically chicken rice with teriyaki sauce...

Mutton Steak Kuah - Look at how red it is...sca-r-weee...

Chicken Fried Rice - Normal la...

Nasi Sambal Goreng - A malay classic. Can't believe I can find it in the middle of the Raffles MRT. :)

However, there are times when the people in the office just get sick of the food at the hawker centre and even willing to spend a little higher than usual so, with that we ordered... PIZZA HUT! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Since most of the interns were away on leave, 4 of us decided to use the opportunity to use the space we had to stay in the office and have food delivered to us instead of going out to buy our own food. So for the price of $15 per person, which is higher than our usual budget for a meal, but it was really worth it. 2 pizzas, honey wings, baked meatballs and baked pasta(just for me).

The pizzas were nothing extraodinary but it really hit the spot. The baked meatballs were slightly salty for my taste but my peeps found it to be fantastic, and for the honey wings, well, to me it tasted like it could use a longer marination...

Super Hawaiian Supreme Pizza - A classic favourite...YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT PIZZA IN MY TUMMY!!

Baked pasta, Meatballs(chicken & beef) & Honey Wings - Great accompaniment for the pizza...

BBQ Chicken Supreme - BBQ sauce, tender chicken and pineapples...Great combination of sweet and tangy...

Now, good food is important, yes I can agree with that but for me...I need more, I need to satisfy not only my stomach but in addition to fulfil the craving of my sweet tooth, so I went scouting around the area and I tell you, I hit the motherloads of all jackpot. There was just so many sweets, that it Willy Wonka look bad. The best part they even have sweets for those who are watching their health...

Hmm...where to start, well, if cookies are you thing then there is no other then the famous, well, Famous Amos, freshly baked cookies, 8 different kinds to choose from and lovely muffins as well, and since we are on the topic on cookies, drop by Subway in the morning and you will get to smell the cookies coming out of the oven. If you crave something a little more round with a hole in the centre and you like Homer Simpson then Donut Empire would be your best stop. They have about 14 different types of donuts even one called the Simpson. If you prefer something more healthier and cooler, stop by YAMI yoghurts where they serve their fresh yoghurts with real fruits and if you like ice cream, why not try the soya ice cream from Mr.Bean, guarenteed to have that ice cream feel with that soya taste. While there why not try a office favourite the 3-in-1 rice ball. It is basically beacurd with peanut dumpling, very scrumptious. Still want more, why go down to POLAR to get a swiss roll or black forest cake or better yet sneak a peek at Royals and enjoy a Choclate banana cake or a mango delight. If you prefer pastry, why not get a mini sturdel at Renaldo's or why get a mini when you can get the whole strudel to share with the family. The place is packed with sweets its no wonder the people at the office are stressed. They want to try it all but they don't want to gain those extra pounds...:P

Chocolate Banana & Mango Delight from Royals - Delicious, and not to sweet too...

Donuts from Donut Empire and Chicken Pies from Royals - Don't the donuts look tantalising and the chicken pies coming in all sorts of flavours really lets you explore your tastebuds. The donut with the bee is very cute and a hit among the customers...

Food for us don't come when we are in the office, for some special occasion we cook the food ourselves. Ok, not all of us do the cooking but nonetheless the food was prepared as we joke around, played in the rain and pose for pictures. What am I talking about? Well, nothing except for the Intern's BBQ at Pasir Ris. Though it was pouring, somehow, we did not let the weather spoil the fun. We played games, joke and of course, eat to our hearts content, well the other interns did, I just took pictures of the food and them eating it...

We had satay, prawns, lamp chops, chicken chop, chicken wings, spagehtti, fried noodles, sting ray and more. To be honest the food was not that good, the only thing that a few of us manage to enjoy was this candy that looks like a hamburger but was actually a gummy candy but we still had fun...

Prawns, BBQ Stingray, Fried Noodles and Chicken Wing - Well, the prawns were slightly overcooked, the chilli of the stingray did not really compliment the taste of the stingray, the fried noodles were alright and the chicken wing, well based on my special guest, said it was just ok, nothing special but it was alright...

Spagehtti - Well the spagehtti was a surprise, I didn't really expect spagehtti to be at a BBQ but it was ok, straight out of the bottle... :P

With all said and done, I guess I love food but what I come to realise is I couldn't really enjoy tasting all these food by myself, well, actually I could but where's the fun in that? Basically, food always taste better when you have great company...

All the food featured here, were shared and enjoy with the people i work with. The donuts and cakes were all for someone else other than myself(I'm a good colleague, huh..:P).

Thanks for the company, great memories...

Gajah Watch: Wall.E...

Ok, I'm a Pixar fan, but then again, I would watch anything that is animated because I love animation. Anyway, after watching some of their previous hits, my expectation was still very high for this one and I have to say, they did not disappoint. The attention to detail is still as perfect as ever. When there was a scene about the docking station I was really stunned. I was amazed at the details they did on the door and the locking mechanism and I just asked myself,"How do they come up with this stuff". The movement of Wall.E was simply amazing, like trying to potray the emotion just thorough the movement of the eyes is very difficult, but they manage to pull it off as even the kids in the audience could experience the emotion Wall.E was going through.

With the appeareance out of the way, the story is basically about a robot that was left alone for 700 years then one day his curiousity led him to find a drone from outer space send by the humans to find life on the barren earth, but all that was left on earth was skyscrapers of thrash, created by Wall.E itself. Basically, when Wall.E saw Eve, his tape in his chest just sang. After that, he did everything he could to win the mechanical heart(or whatever you want to call it) of Eve. Moving on, the story actually shows the outcome of humanity if everything was to be automated and to be honest I was really disturbed by what I saw, I guess it was a lesson sneaked in there to teach the kids a thing or two about health. The love story was pretty simplitistic so the kids managed to understand what emotions were going through between all the robots.

To me, Wall.E is like an inspiration, a story that in fact, one robot or one simple gesture could really make a difference. There were times where Wall.E just introduced himself and offered a handshake and from a lonely robot, to the saviour of humanity.

Overall, it is a fantastic family movie to watch. Alot of cute characters and not only Wall.E, very simple humour so any kid can enjoy. A real movie to catch if you want to catch a feel good movie...

Gajah Watch: Star Wars Clone Wars...

I wanted to do this tomorrow but I guess I should do it now as the movie is still fresh in my head. Now, I am a Star Wars fan, not a big or a die hard one and I can't really remember all the planets featured in the story or all the names of the fighters but I know enough to question the appeareance of Anakin's padawan. I mean, I know Anakin had padawans but I thought he had padawans only after he becomes Darth Vader, two of who I know and one secret apprentice that will be featured as a game. But the inclusion of a padawan when he just became a knight? Hmm...George Lucas what are you thinking?? Anyway, back to the movie...

How it starts is standard procedure, "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, far away....blah blah blah". Then the action starts, after a brief introduction was made. This is for the sake of those who did not get to catch the cartoon series that was featured on the cartoon network. Anyway, the art style is basically the same as the cartoon, just made in 3D, and being an animation, it actually gives the production team to be more ambitious when it came to the action sequences. One of my companion commented that some of the actions scenes would be difficult if not dangerous to do with real actors and wires. The action was not so breahtaking as I expected but it was still entertaining to watch. I found it weird however that the Jedi and Commandos alike blazes through enemy fire and try to get as close to the enemy as possible. I understand that Jedi had to go up close to use the lightsaber but why would the commandos having the firepower they have just run forward into the open with no cover and basically kill as many droids as they can before they inevitably get shot down. This actually reminds me of a certain someone who I play FPS shooters with and without fail will always run ahead of the platoon leaving everyone behind thinking he is Rambo. However, the movie really emphasise the importance of the clone troopers in this movie. They showed some of the commandos that can really hold thier own against a horde of droids. Interesting... Anyway, another thing I found confusing was the character of Anakin. In the movie he has a padawan, and he was actually patient and wise. A characteristic that I think was not featured in the other Star Wars movie. Only when Anakin went back to his home planet of Tatootine was where his raged and recklessness really showed again.

The animation was almost flawless as expected from a movie from George Lucas, and I don't know about others but I find Count Dooku's face very funny. His beard and chin is unnaturally huge. Anyway, the intro of baby Hutt was really a surprise, as for an ugly creature it was undeniably cute. Another entertaining feature would be the dialogue of the droids. In the episode 2 and 3 of the saga, some dialouge could be heard and some people actually enjoyed the humor. I'm glad that the production crew capitalise on that and really gave the droids personality that everyone could enjoy. I think the dialogues of the droids would make this movie a memorable one. I was disappointed however, that I did not get to see Yoda in action. Since, it was an animated movie I would have expected to see Yoda go "kung-fu" on some droids butt, as can be seen in the Soul Calibur 4 game, but I was to be denied my dream, sigh... Anyway, I think continuation of the story is in order as the movie ended quite abruptly, leaving alot of questions to the audiences mind. If another movie is not made then I guess people would have to read about it in the storybooks.

All in all, a good movie to watch if you want to have some laughs with some lightsaber action...

Please Kill Me...

You know when so many things are going on at the same time, then your head just mix up all around or goes into a frenzy that makes your head want to explode but it doesn't it just makes it throb uncontrollably and you are pissed at yourself for not being smarter or stronger or just to have the balls to do what's right. Well, I get that all the time but no one sees it, because I don't let them. I can be happy-go-lucky, I can be nasty or even be the guy of your dreams. Well, I guess that's the disadvantage of being so manipulative. Am I proud of what I did or what I'm capable of? To be honest, I have no idea what being proud is. I never was and no one has ever been proud of me, so the feeling for me was never experienced in the first place. But, I do know the feeling of guilt and regret, oh, how I know those two like the back of my hand. Anyway, with so many things going on, there is nobody I have to express these feelings to or even know how to explain. But I found a song that really match my situtation now. Call it destiny or fate or luck, whatever you want to call, it I seriously don't give a F anymore. It's by one of my fav bands, THE REDJUMPSUIT APPARATUS. This song is called Angels Cry, the lyrics is the exact words I want to say to her and how I so wish I wrote this song, but come on, I was probably too stupid to even come up with the lyrics properly let alone the melody. Who am I kidding I couldn't even write a decent song even if my life depended on it. WTF am I blabbering about, sigh....anyway, here's the lyrics and the song taken from YouTube.

"Angels Cry"

Well it's hard to explain
but I'll try if you let me
Well it's hard to sustain
I'll cry if you let me
This doesn't change the way I feel about you
or your place in my life
(please don't cry)
Can't you see I'm dying here?
A shot of broken heart that is chased with fear


Angels cry
when stars collide
I can't eat and I can't breathe
I wouldn't want it any other way


Intentions that were pure have turned obscure
Seconds into hours
Minutes into years
Don't ask me why
(please don't cry)
I can't tell you lies

Angels cry
when stars collide
I can't eat and I can't breathe
I wouldn't want it any other way.

My heart burns through
My chest to the floor
Tearing me silently although abruptly
Words can't hide as I'm taking you home
And I tried to see
Tried to understand your words as I'm taking you home


Angels cry
when stars collide
I can't eat and I can't breathe
I wouldn't want it any other way

I guess that's it for me. Well, here I go, back to smiling and pretending that everythings okay. Pretending you don't even matter to me. Time to go back to being that nice guy that everyone loves taking advantage of. The guy who would just smile and laugh if you critise him. The guy who will take interest in you problems and try to make life better for everyone else even if it means F-ing up his own life. I don't have a future anyway, so I'm not going back to my life, I'm just going back to my lie....

Another Joke Of The Day...

Well, actually this post should say Jokes of the Day, because there was so many jokes that kept my friend(don't think he want to be named) and I entertain for almost two hours. Including the time that we went for teabreak, and took so long to drink the tea(that was a joke by itself already). Anyway, the jokes kinda ended when we return to the office after our break. Hate to say it but it was a bad mushy moment that I wished I had missed. But, moving on, my friend and I headed home and along the way we tried to forget the incident and focus on making each other laughed. To my amazement, we actually sat at the bench of the train station, watching the trains go by and just basically started crapping. From movies to sound effects the jokes were coming in all directions and off everyone that we see. I think we sat there for so long that my friend actually skipped about 9 trains(some due to bad luck because the train was full). Even the police making their rounds were starting to find me suspicious because I was sitting there for quite some time with a huge bag on my lap(my lappy bag). I laughed so hard the police thought I was crazy and those that pass by thought the same. Nevertheless, it was a great end to an unfortunate day at the office...

There were alot of jokes but some to highlight...

1. When all are drunk and high, dare someone to place their bare butt cheeks at the glass and wait for the next train to approach...

2. How to enter the train when the door are already closed...(GTA style)

3. What happens when the train engineer(or driver or whatever you call it), fail the parking section of the exam...

4. Fat Albert and Santa Clause...

5. And the classic...the nephew who can never pronounce "G"...

It may not sound funny now, but like I said before, I guess you have to be there to get it...

From Heaven to Hell...

Oh boy, I experienced first hand how stess can kill a day. Sigh...At the start of the day in the office, it was a happy and casual day at work. Everyone smiling, joking. There was even when we were eating "munchys"(looks like love letters) and i was telling my colleagues that we were smoking in the office and i asked if there was any one with a light. What happen next was unbelieveable, one of my colleague took out his lighter and actually light the munchy til smoke came out. The whole office was like "WTF!!". Then he started laughing and actually ate the munchy. For the next 10 mins the whole room smell like burnt chocolate and cream. Then later on in the day, a colleague of mine who i shall only let be known as A, was goin through the files where he came across a couple of photos. Then he suddenly shouted, "Wah, Char siew paus!!" but when another colleague and I saw the photo, it was actually a bunch of bras being arranged on a rack...

But that was when it came to an end...

Everyone slowly got stress due to the quota and some even lost their cool and physically attacked another. To me it was an ugly sight, one I couldnt bear to see but was happy that things were resolved or so I thought. Now, people are having bad blood between each other and the tension is so thick (mind the cliche) that it could cut with a knife. What went wrong? Things were going so well, everyone was having so much fun. Why did it had to stop? Sigh...I only hope things could be the way they were, hopefully the bbq that we are having will mend some damages, but I know...

I can only hope...

Gajah Watch: Space Chimps & Meet Dave...

Space Chimps:

Going into this film, my expectations were not very high, and I got it right. The animation was ok, nothing special, not as good as Monsters, Inc or even Finding Nemo, but the movie was enjoyable. It has it moments, like the scientists to the Beverly Hills Cop theme. That was freaking hilarious. The show would have been better if the indian scientists had more screen time. Other than the chimp punts, the storyline was ok, the plot was slightly predictible but the characters were cute and lovelable.

Meet Dave:

Eddie Murphy. Need I say more? This time he really saved the show. If it was some other average comedian, this movie would have been worse than Blair Witch Project 1 and 2 combine. Meet Dave has a very bad plot. The storyline is slightly confusing and random. Its like they are trying to take you in one direction but then totally shifts to another course. I mean, some may argue that its the twist in the show and yes, maybe that is what the writers were thinking when creating the movie, but I think they are trying to add too much elements to the story instead of focusing on good parts. Quantity was what they were trying to achieve not quality, but with Eddie Murphy, at least, there are some memorable laughs.

What A Day...

A movie marathon and meeting the people I've not seen for long time.

But what makes this day special is that, finally I have said everything that is needed to be said. If you are still upset from what, I've told you, I understand.

However, I want you to know that I would never leave you, and I would do all in my power to get better. If there is a way, I will find it. The only time when I won't be with you is when you leave which I know is bound to happen, but when that day comes. I will keep my chin up, and smile...

How Long Do We Really Have?...

It's confirm that sooner or later, each and every one of us will die. But for some, sooner comes sooner rather than later. What's worse if you have people giving you a period for you to live. That really sucks because everytime you do not utilise what little time you have, you feel like you want to kill yourself because you wasted something you can never get back. Time.
But does that mean time is your friend, or you enemy?

I mean look at it this way, yes you have very little time left but you finally get the courage you would never do in a million years. Like, "hey, i going to die in a few days anyway, what's a day early."

But it's your enemy when you know you can't spend time with the people you love and no matter what you do or no matter what they say, you keep thinking that the time you are spending with that person is you last and everytime you try to squeeze in some time for that person but they can't make it, it's always heartbreaking but you know it's not their fault because you know that they don't know how long you have.

But why? Why not just tell people that you are dying, well, based on research, it's all about sympathy. I mean whats the point of meeting someone if all they do is just feel sorry for you because you're time there is limited, what's worse if you have to spend your time in a stupid room in a hospital. If it was up to me, I would rather spend my time as happy as possible rather than sulk in self-pity, but it's not as easy as it sounds. It's hard, holding everything in, knowing that telling them the truth will change everything, like the way they treat you, the way the look at you, just different. Different is not neccessary bad, but with the amount of time, how would you adapt to the changes. Well, when you know the period that you have, you can't help but figure out what you're going to miss, but that's life, or rather, death.

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But That Does Not Mean You Should Give Up The Fight...

I've said it a million times, but no one wants to listen, and now there is one that is feeling the sting.
Is it fair? Of course not.
But does any of you care? Of course not.
Do I care? I do even if I dont want to...

Why?

Because I know how he feels. To be honest, I tried and I tried but I guess some people just dont learn.

This message is for you, bro. I know I have already talked to you in person but somehow you did not really absorb what I said (no offense). So, I'm spelling this out for you, hopefully to prove that I am sincere. Hey I know you had it rough in the past and I really wish that things would have been better for you, but I have said it once and I will said it again, I'm not them. I can guarentee you that once your in my circle you are never out, well unless you piss me off then maybe you will spend sometime out of the circle, but hey, we all got bad days, right? My point is you have seen the effort that I put to keep the whole circle together. The amount of money I spend, to be honest I didnt have to spare, but I used it anyway because money had always been an issue with all of us. So I volunteered to get that issue out of the way, spending hundreds of dollars hoping that the rewards was worth it. But the only reward I got was an empty pocket and you feeling the way that you do. Not worth, huh? I think the amount I spend, I could have got a PS3, a pool table and even a HD-TV for my room. But does anyone appreciate, again, no. Bro, I sorry you feel the way that you do and believe me when I say I know how you feel, because by using so much energy and time, I actually manage to phase myself out of their lives. I know you heard stories about how some of people i know got friends since sec sch and they always go out after work. Well, they are the lucky ones. I can tell you this, forget the rest, if you still feeling the way you feel then when you get your pay you should spoil yourself, and if you need a buddy to do it with I am open for the next 20 years(Haha). Anyway, that is my suggestion but what do i know, I'm just the guy who got phased out...

Again, sorry from the bottom of my heart, I know for you these are just words, but all I'm asking for you to do is give me a chance to change these words into actions.

Frm your fellow Code Monkey(ok fine not really a code monkey but i think you get the idea)...

Alone Again...

This is the latest song i wrote, it sounds like crap but then again since when i write songs that were nice. Anyway, i feel that this song, brings out my inner emotions (if that makes any sense). A simple song with simple words but with very extensive meaning....

"Alone Again"

Music and Lyrics by

ME

Blood
Dripping down my face
I know you're gone
Gone without a trace

Forgotten
Always forgotten
No one remembers

The sacrifices made

Nothing
Nothing's changed
I'm still stuck with this pain
I'm alone again

You
You said you'd be there
But words are all you left
Now I'm caught waiting

What's wrong
What's wrong with me
How can I let this

Let this be

Nothing
Nothing's changed
I'm still stuck with this pain
I'm alone again

Nothing
Nothing's changed
I'm addicted to this pain
I'm alone again

Everything that I knew

And everything that I own

Ripped away

Ripped away from me

If you take everything
All that's left in the end
Will be the source of my pain
You're the source of my pain
Again...

The Moment Of Truth...

A reality game show just surfaced, it's called the Moment of Truth. They say it is the simple show in the world to win money as the objective of the game is to answer 21 questions, truthfully. The kick is that the contestant is lined up to a lie detector and the questions are very impulsive and revealing. To me, it is revolting because I know for a fact, that everyone lies, and I want to think that lies are used to improve the quality of life rather than diminishing it. I mean, we lie to make someone feel better or we lie in hopes that we might actually help people to believe they can be better than they are...


But that is what I want to believe...


We all know that's not true...

We lie for the sake to save our own asses. We lie because we don't want people to look down on us or even pity us. Does that mean we are bad, well, basically yes, but for every action, there is a justification. It's usually how we perceive our actions that makes us feel better. But hey, what do I know, I'm just a guy who's living a lie rather than a life...

Joke Of The Day...

This was so lame that I just had to put it in. Ok, a few of my colleagues were playing ping pong. DW who was playing with another colleague was trying to focus on his game, mind you he is from China. I, on the other hand was playing ping pong at the next table with my other colleague. Then, K, who was waiting for his turn suddenly spoke up...

"Hey DW, What is the similarity you have with this ping pong ball."

The whole room was...silent. My other colleague and I, were confused but tried to figure out the answer. We all thought it was the colour because ball was white and DW was quite fair skinned. Finally, DW replied, "I dont know"...

K answered, "You are both, 'Made In China'."

The room was silent again...then suddenly all burst into laughter...
I know it doesnt sound that funny but I guess you had to be there...

End of the month....

Alright, looks like its going to be the end of July, and I've got to say that I have really learnt alot this month. Most of them are pretty random but they are good lessons nonetheless. Hmm....lets see...

Working in an office is horrible...

Working in an office with a slack supervisor and a recreation club is the best thing ever...

Never play pool with a Chinaman...

Worse, never play ping pong with a Chinaman...

Even worse, never provoke the Chinaman when playing ping pong...(ouch!)

But, it is amazing how friendships can be made beyond the language barrier...

It is almost amazing how friendships can be broken or stressed with the wrong type of language...(or rather the wrong words)

I find out that I was not myself recently, because I even forget a friends birthday and it is not like me to forget someone's birthday because birthday is a very big thing for me....(sigh..)

I realise is not about when the birthday is, it's about the time that flew past without me caring...

It is a bad idea to emo while crossing a busy road...

It is also surprising that a car that is traveling at only 15km/h can do alot damage...

It is also a bad idea to try to self-medicate after your knee was slammed by car... :P

It is amazing that I still havent died with all the injuries I had thoroughout my entire lifetime...

Plus, colleagues agree that upon 10, I am a -2 when it comes to appearance...(oh well..)

I also realise that I can do so much if I focus....(but since when I focus on what I'm doing.. :P

But the most important lesson I learn is...how much I miss someone and how much I need that someone. But after all this time, not hearing from that person, I realise I was just being selfish and in a way, I was hurting her. I dont know why it took so long but after seeing her, I realise how happy she is when I am not part of her life. So all I can ask for is her forgiveness that I couldn't see things clearer. It's not about what I want, but it's about what she needs and what makes her happy. He's a lucky guy. Like I always say, some guys have all the luck. The worse part is that she probably won't get to see this unless someone shows it to her. I guess, it's just bad timing, maybe another time, another place, another life....

Sweet dreams....

Gajah Makan: Golden Nur @ Golden Shoe @ Market St, Raffles Place...

It's been awhile since I have updated this blog with any of my section. So here's one for the food lovers.

In the heart of Raffles Place, there is a not so secret place where, the workers in the area line up for miles(ok, exaggeration) to queue up for their turn to order their lunch even though it may take half their lunch time. However, what not so many people know is that when office hours are up, not all the stores are close. There is one that tends to stand out from the crowd. Anyway, this place is worth mentioning because the mee gorend is really one of the best I ever tasted and this is coming from a guy who eats mee goreng almost everywhere in Singapore and even in Malaysia and this is really one of the most flavourful Mee Goreng I have ever tasted. Most Mee Goreng I tasted are not bad (actually there very horrible ones), they are just not good. This one u can really taste the seasoning in the noodles. Its ample to give you the taste of the meat but its not too much that it makes it too salty. In addition, the Mee Goreng is really fried properly so the noodles do not taste oily. All in all, this a good place to stop buy if in the town area that is filled with restaurants and fast food. This is a good stop if one wants to enquire the taste of simple humble food.

Look at how empty the place is after hours...

Mee goreng with "mata lembu"...

"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it" ~ George Bernard Shaw

This quote have always been a personal favourite of mine. It was written by George Bernard Shaw a playwright and socialist. He wrote this for one of his scripts, I don't know for which and honestly, I don't care...

Tragedies, a word commonly derived from disaster, which leads to pain and suffering. And that what life is all about, its about enduring all the pain and suffering that comes your way. When I first heard of this quote, I always though that getting you heart's desire was a tragedy because later when you lose it, you lose a part of yourself as well and that is heartbreaking. But recently, I found another form of tragedy. That tragedy is finding out that whatever desire you receive is not true as you hope it to be. That whatever you were feeling or felt was just a deception for momentary fix. Then when you figure it all out, you start to wonder at which moment was real and what was just the endurment for the other party. I fell in love but I found that love to be nothing more than a hoax like the alien in a round paper spaceship. That in the words of Maxwell Smart, "Is a sucker punch to the gonads". But this is worse, what I felt was torment to the hundreth degree. A flaw that I always had is to give my heart wholeheatedly to the people I love, and when they take my heart and shred it to millions of pieces, I have nothing to survive on. With all the fragments of my heart all over the place, one might say,"Pick up the pieces and place it altogether", and normally I would, but not this time. Why you may ask? Because I have finally realise why all this is happening. Everyone who knows me, would know that I am not a real candidate for the higher beings for all the deeds I have done. So this pain, is just payment and jugdement on me to pay for all the things I have done. This to me, was like the final wound. The cut is so deep that it has killed my soul, my will. Therefore, my will to live is no longer there, so now, I cross every street hoping that a car would hit me, I walk through every storm hoping I would get strike by lightning, I sit on every ledge hoping I would plummet, and the only reason it has not happen is because its not my time. I have to serve my time and this is my time, my sentence, 24/7. Life is my prison, anger is my warden...

Gajah Makan: Green Tea McFlurry @ McDonalds...

As the new movie by Dreamworks premieres, Kung Fu Panda, McDonalds have came up with some special items for the menu. One of those specials happens to be the Green Tea McFlurry. Now, as a green tea lover, I just had to try this special ice-cream. However, it being slapped with a $2.50 price tag, it was kind of a turn off for me at first. Yet, my curiousity still led me to my first ever taste of this new concoction. Having tried the Milo McFlurry, I wasn't really expecting much and once again I was right. I mean, for those who have tried drinking green tea would have know that green tea have a distinct aftertaste and for some it is an added bonus because that aftertaste actually get rid of worse aftertaste. However, in the case of this McFlurry, that aftertaste, to me, is quite bitter. Its not that the green tea powder they use is lousy (or maybe it is) but its because the McFlurry was not stirred properly and I end up eating chunks of the green tea powder. As for the Milo McFlurry, eating the milo powder was like drinking a Milo Dinosaur that is now commonly found at almost any coffeeshop, but to eat the green tea powder. Wow, horri-gible!!

Look at the powder at sides of the cup...

Anyway, I still to carry on eating in some bleak hope that it gets better and it actually did. After I kept stirring and stirring and stirring. I kept stirring til the McFlurry don't look like a McFlurry anymore, it look like a green paste, but it tasted good. Well, there was still the bitter aftertaste but it was not as profound as in the begining. So, I finally realise, that McDonalds should have just made a Green Tea Milkshake rather than a McFlurry. It would taste better as the powder would have been properly mixed and I think it should be worth the price tag.

Milkshake in the making...

Gajah Makan: Basic Fried Rice

Ok, now as most know, cooking is a hobby of mine and after what my friend, Shar put as his personal message, most requested an explaination so here it is...

My mom was sick so she ask me to cook. So, I asked her what she wanted, I list out the things I knew how to cook. It went like this, "So, how bout, lagsagne, pasta, cream of chicken, fried chicken, or maybe even fish and chips." I was all so confident and cocky, but then my mom replied,"I want fried rice". I was like, "crikit....crikit...crikit". I had no idea how to cook fried rice, I mean not a good one exactly because I have not really taken the time to study the Asian culinary style. So I asked, Shar whether he knew, he said he did but after his first reply, I was abit unsure because it sounded too easy and abit messy. So shar said that, "Wait, I ask my mom". After I heard that I had a huge sigh of relief. Anyway, after hearing Shar's mom recipe, I felt my confidence came back. Shar wished me luck and I went on the culinary hunt to make a simple fried rice dish.

As I was preparing for the dish, I told myself, that this type of monumental point should be videotaped. So I did. Ok, first off, not easy to cook and record at the same time but hey I manage to get the important parts.

Ok, anyway, the final product was quite impressive even for me but I forgot one very important point. No matter what I cook, my mom will always say its nice. :D

From Bad to Worse....til The End...

Sorry it took me so long to end the story, but I really didn't know what was going to happen to Theodore, a part of me wanted to kill him in a violent death, the other part of me wanted him to have a happy life. So this is is what I came up with...

Where we left off, Theodore was in own hell on earth. Whoever said things couldn't get worse clearly didn't see Theodore's life. Remember when Theodore saw that girl, he said that he would never meet her, well...fate's a bitch, what can I say. Not only Theodore met the girl, he became friends with her which sucks because here he is trying to avoid any form of likeness (LOVE is such a strong word), ever since his heart got broken, but this girl to him was just so amazing. It was so surreal that they had so many things in common and they even have the same views of the world. But here comes the "cliche twist", she likes another guy. Sounds like a typical love story? Well, whoever said Hollywood was original, where do you think cliches come from; they came from real life story that is repeated over and over again. But in the movies, everything was simple, the guy would just tell her how he feels and the girl would miraculously fall for him. No...Theodore was not that stupid. Theodore was raised to be a thinking man, so he thought things through. He tried to imagine him and the girl together, he knew that if she was his, he would do anything in his power to make her happy, when she's sad, he would be there to lend his shoulder to cry, to make her laugh, to carry her if she has a cramp in her leg, to let her sleep in his arms when their on the way home, but all this only happen in movies and he slapped himself for imagining stupid things. But thoroughout the imagination one stood out in reality, her happiness. Theodore knew he would do anything in his power to make her happy, and the guy that made her happy the most was the guy she liked. So no matter what, his friends say no matter what his heart said, he promised himself that he would never tell her how he really feel. Basically he listened to his head and not his heart. The problem was everytime he sees her, he has the urge to tell her so again being the thinking man that he was, he made a plan. He find out the girl's timetable, studied her habits. I know right now he sound like a stalker but a stalker is a person obsessed to pursue and follow the target. Theodore was obsessed in avoiding her, because he figured if he didn't see her, hear from her, he would soon forget about her. So that was what he did, he avoid going to the canteen where she would usually go, he avoided going to the library, when she messaged him he would ignore it, when he saw her walk by he would ignore her knowing that talking to her would only bring out bad intentions. It didnt work, he found himself thinking about her even more, so he decided to push his plan further, he even stop hanging out with anybody she knew in school. Basically he threw the only friends he ever knew all to just forget about one person. He would purposely make people pissed at him so that they wouldnt hang out with him anymore, and just as he planned, people stopped contacting him and he was alone. He spent the rest of his academic life in prep school, alone. Did he regret? Of course he did but he believed that by doing this, the girl would find the happiness she was looking for and he would be able to move on. But, it didnt work, he still find himself missing her...
So one weekend, he went jogging on the highway, and just as a trailer was passing by at high speed, he jumped in front of the trailer. Theodore died that day, it wasnt a pretty sight. At his funeral, nobody turned up. Even his family was too ashamed to bury him, but there wasnt much to bury in the first place. At his burial, only the gravedigger and a priest was there to see him get buried six below the ground.

Moral of the story...well, what can I say. Theodore was in love he just didnt know it, but did he had to jump, of course not and of course most of are saying, I'm not that stupid. But you see we are all human, Theodore just had a moment of weakness, that was all he needed. I keep repeating that friends are important but it all falls on deaf ears. When someone wants to help, it's good just to let them help, anyway take it as a test of their friendship then you know where they stand in your social status. Dont push everybody out just because you know what you doing or you think that you are some kind of hero that you can do everything yourself. Because that would be impossible. Theodore decided to take everything in by himself, so he died all by himself. This may be just a story or this may be someone's biography, the line of fact and fiction is sometimes so thin that we dont see how to two can interlink....