My 100th Post...

100..finally i reached a 100 but i wish that this post could be a happier one. well, in a way it sort of is. today i celebrated with my brothers the mom's 61st birthday. well she would have been 61 if she was still around. not a day goes by i just wish this was all just a bad dream. i wish i could remember her better. instead im just hurting myself even more just thinking about it. frustrations just keep piling up in my head. wish things would be easier. feel like there is a gap in my life, a hole that i dont even know i can fill. i know it sounds cliche but i guess everybody is use to it by now.

sometimes i just feel like shutting down, ending it here. dont know why i even bother. need to find answers. still getting more questions......

help....

The pain never seems to stop...

Its been almost a week, and almost a week of sleepless nights. The good thing is at least, I can catch up with sleep in the office. I feel like as the days goes passed so does a bit of my heart. Piece by piece my heart is falling a part. Everytime I reach home, all I feel emptiness, sadness and just misery. Its getting worse than I thought it would be. I never knew it would be this hard...

How long is this going to last? I feel like I'm forgetting who she was, and I hate that. I hate myself...

Another Nightmare just became my reality...

And my first entry if 2010, maybe the most important entry if my life. This is where it all ends. This is where my heart stop beating and I'm not living anymore. I'm just alive. For now....

I feel as though life itself is pointless. There is no BRIGHTSIDE for me, because all of my positive energy just went out the window. Or rather, 6 feet under. Til now, all I wish for is that it was just a bad nightmare and I still have yet to be awaken. But the more I breathe, the more I close my eyes, reality is just kicking me in the ass. Taunting me, letting me know who's boss and who is in control. Part of me was taken, a big part. The part where I wake up in the morning looking forward to LOVE. To give someone a hug and tell them good morning. The part which tells me violence is never the answer. The part that tells me its okay to fail. The part that tells me to get back up and fight with all the strengh I have. The part that tells me that all you need in life is LOVE. The part which comforts me when I feel like ending my own suffering. The part which tells me, that god makes us suffer to be stronger. But I don't feel any stronger. I don't want to be stronger. I want to be happy. Even if it was just one more day...

There is a saying, you don't realise what you had til its gone. But that is not the freaking case here. I DO realise what had, I treasure what I had, I even made sure she knows that no matter how ignorant, how stupid, how angry, how fucked up I was, she was all I was thinking about. But in the last few moment I doubt she knew. I doubt she remembered. But I don't blame her. That is why part of me told me to walk away. To let her go. End her suffering and place the weight on my shoulders. People blame me. So be it. I'll gladly take the blame. It was my fault she is not here anymore. I'm responsible for the death of the one amazing woman that everybody realise only yesterday. It was my fault that my one woman did not get to physically see her mom take her last breath. It is my fault that the same woman did not get to sprinkle petals of flowers and dirt around the of the woman most important to her. It IS my fault. I chose to do nothing. I chose to mentally prepare myself. But with all the preparation, was nothing to fact that my nightmare became real. It hit me in the face like a sack of bricks. It hit me good. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to move on. I don't know if I can move on. I don't know if I want to move on....

Yesterday, not only me, but the world lost an amazing woman that could never be replaced. An inspiration to others, a story teller to some, an Angel to the fallen....

2010 Here I Come...

Ok so 2009 is over. It has been another tough year, standard. However, I can safely say I learn alot about myself over the past year. Being in a new place with new people, I actually proved myself wrong that I cannot fit in with other people. Turns out as long as you are curious enough, people are willing to share.

Well, usually I would write some long story about what happen and what I learn, but I'm really too tired to that. So lets just see how long I can hold on before I snap...

Nightmares are my reality, dreams are just fantasies...