The joyous day that is not so joyous...

Today was Hari Raya, and first thing first, Selamat Hari Raya to my muslim friends....

I thought today would be a good break for me after having to endure so much for the past two weeks. I wanted to smile, laugh and just forget everything. But some people just had to be assholes. Yeah, ok fine, maybe I deserved what's coming. I never pray enough, I manipulate people, I'm evil, I'm mean, and yeah I'm the devil's prodigy. I took everything given to me and swallow it like it was candy and smile. I took everything and accepted it because I knew I deserve what was coming. I took every dagger, every bullet, every blade and poison that came coming my way because it was payback. But what did my mom ever do. She has been nothing but the a kind soul. Yes she lies but who in the world doesn't. She prays 5 times a day like any other muslim would. She fast more than any muslim, I ever known. Her body is almost as pure as water itself but why does she have to go through so much. Haven't she endure enough? Give me the pusnishments, break my heart. Leave her alone. She didn't do anything wrong, why torment her? Give me the pain. I WANT THE PAIN!! Let her be free. She deserve much better. She don't deserve this. Today, was suppose to be a joyous occasion, instead you leave her answering questions she never knew she had to. What's wrong with you! You're suppose to be perfect!! You're suppose to be ALMIGHTY!! But you torment the ones who actually gives a damn about you!! ARE FUCKING CRAZY??!!

You want me to beg? Fine, here I am on my knees, begging you, leave my mom alone, if you want someone to touture just for fun, I'm here...I'm the evil one...

At first, there was no one that would answer my messages, no one to give a damn. But then out of the blue, I found one who was willing to listen. Don't know whether that person cared but at least willing to listen was more than good enough for me. So i thank that person again from the bottom of my heart, for letting me saying what i need to say, for listening so that i don't have to hold things in anymore. The sad thing is that person will never understand how much i appreciate that moment.

I know some are sick of hearing my sad stories, but this is the only space i have to let loose the anger i hold inside. I'm sorry but your sympathy is not what i'm asking for, if that is what you think. It's your ears that i'm yearning for, for i can hold everything in and smile, but with everything there always comes a limit...

And what a fitting end to the day it is, as it rains like tears from the sky, as i have to endure to watch my own mother, cry herself to sleep....