100..finally i reached a 100 but i wish that this post could be a happier one. well, in a way it sort of is. today i celebrated with my brothers the mom's 61st birthday. well she would have been 61 if she was still around. not a day goes by i just wish this was all just a bad dream. i wish i could remember her better. instead im just hurting myself even more just thinking about it. frustrations just keep piling up in my head. wish things would be easier. feel like there is a gap in my life, a hole that i dont even know i can fill. i know it sounds cliche but i guess everybody is use to it by now.
sometimes i just feel like shutting down, ending it here. dont know why i even bother. need to find answers. still getting more questions......
help....
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The pain never seems to stop...
Its been almost a week, and almost a week of sleepless nights. The good thing is at least, I can catch up with sleep in the office. I feel like as the days goes passed so does a bit of my heart. Piece by piece my heart is falling a part. Everytime I reach home, all I feel emptiness, sadness and just misery. Its getting worse than I thought it would be. I never knew it would be this hard...
How long is this going to last? I feel like I'm forgetting who she was, and I hate that. I hate myself...
How long is this going to last? I feel like I'm forgetting who she was, and I hate that. I hate myself...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Another Nightmare just became my reality...
And my first entry if 2010, maybe the most important entry if my life. This is where it all ends. This is where my heart stop beating and I'm not living anymore. I'm just alive. For now....
I feel as though life itself is pointless. There is no BRIGHTSIDE for me, because all of my positive energy just went out the window. Or rather, 6 feet under. Til now, all I wish for is that it was just a bad nightmare and I still have yet to be awaken. But the more I breathe, the more I close my eyes, reality is just kicking me in the ass. Taunting me, letting me know who's boss and who is in control. Part of me was taken, a big part. The part where I wake up in the morning looking forward to LOVE. To give someone a hug and tell them good morning. The part which tells me violence is never the answer. The part that tells me its okay to fail. The part that tells me to get back up and fight with all the strengh I have. The part that tells me that all you need in life is LOVE. The part which comforts me when I feel like ending my own suffering. The part which tells me, that god makes us suffer to be stronger. But I don't feel any stronger. I don't want to be stronger. I want to be happy. Even if it was just one more day...
There is a saying, you don't realise what you had til its gone. But that is not the freaking case here. I DO realise what had, I treasure what I had, I even made sure she knows that no matter how ignorant, how stupid, how angry, how fucked up I was, she was all I was thinking about. But in the last few moment I doubt she knew. I doubt she remembered. But I don't blame her. That is why part of me told me to walk away. To let her go. End her suffering and place the weight on my shoulders. People blame me. So be it. I'll gladly take the blame. It was my fault she is not here anymore. I'm responsible for the death of the one amazing woman that everybody realise only yesterday. It was my fault that my one woman did not get to physically see her mom take her last breath. It is my fault that the same woman did not get to sprinkle petals of flowers and dirt around the of the woman most important to her. It IS my fault. I chose to do nothing. I chose to mentally prepare myself. But with all the preparation, was nothing to fact that my nightmare became real. It hit me in the face like a sack of bricks. It hit me good. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to move on. I don't know if I can move on. I don't know if I want to move on....
Yesterday, not only me, but the world lost an amazing woman that could never be replaced. An inspiration to others, a story teller to some, an Angel to the fallen....
I feel as though life itself is pointless. There is no BRIGHTSIDE for me, because all of my positive energy just went out the window. Or rather, 6 feet under. Til now, all I wish for is that it was just a bad nightmare and I still have yet to be awaken. But the more I breathe, the more I close my eyes, reality is just kicking me in the ass. Taunting me, letting me know who's boss and who is in control. Part of me was taken, a big part. The part where I wake up in the morning looking forward to LOVE. To give someone a hug and tell them good morning. The part which tells me violence is never the answer. The part that tells me its okay to fail. The part that tells me to get back up and fight with all the strengh I have. The part that tells me that all you need in life is LOVE. The part which comforts me when I feel like ending my own suffering. The part which tells me, that god makes us suffer to be stronger. But I don't feel any stronger. I don't want to be stronger. I want to be happy. Even if it was just one more day...
There is a saying, you don't realise what you had til its gone. But that is not the freaking case here. I DO realise what had, I treasure what I had, I even made sure she knows that no matter how ignorant, how stupid, how angry, how fucked up I was, she was all I was thinking about. But in the last few moment I doubt she knew. I doubt she remembered. But I don't blame her. That is why part of me told me to walk away. To let her go. End her suffering and place the weight on my shoulders. People blame me. So be it. I'll gladly take the blame. It was my fault she is not here anymore. I'm responsible for the death of the one amazing woman that everybody realise only yesterday. It was my fault that my one woman did not get to physically see her mom take her last breath. It is my fault that the same woman did not get to sprinkle petals of flowers and dirt around the of the woman most important to her. It IS my fault. I chose to do nothing. I chose to mentally prepare myself. But with all the preparation, was nothing to fact that my nightmare became real. It hit me in the face like a sack of bricks. It hit me good. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to move on. I don't know if I can move on. I don't know if I want to move on....
Yesterday, not only me, but the world lost an amazing woman that could never be replaced. An inspiration to others, a story teller to some, an Angel to the fallen....
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 Here I Come...
Ok so 2009 is over. It has been another tough year, standard. However, I can safely say I learn alot about myself over the past year. Being in a new place with new people, I actually proved myself wrong that I cannot fit in with other people. Turns out as long as you are curious enough, people are willing to share.
Well, usually I would write some long story about what happen and what I learn, but I'm really too tired to that. So lets just see how long I can hold on before I snap...
Nightmares are my reality, dreams are just fantasies...
Well, usually I would write some long story about what happen and what I learn, but I'm really too tired to that. So lets just see how long I can hold on before I snap...
Nightmares are my reality, dreams are just fantasies...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Last Pre-Enlistment NIght Of Laughter...
Ok so after staying in the hospital for a freaking week, it was nice to breathe the carbon air of Singapore again. So it was nice of Sierra and Tango (not their real names) to accompany me to enjoy myself and release some steam that have been accumilated for the past 7 days. Me being LATE which was no surprise but only because my father is a hopeless monkey who cannot even remember simple instructions, I met up with Tango and Sierra at Orchard MRT. The funny thing that always happens when 3 of us are together is that we always cannot decide anything because we are all for anything, so sometimes we would take hours just to resolve the issue. However, tonight I knew my dinner had to be burger and fries. Oh how I'm going to miss the juicy patty inbetween soft, hot buns and oooeeyy-gooeeeyy cheese...yum..
So we head to the place with the best HALAL and AFFORDABLE burgers in town. Burger King a.k.a BK. Oh, knowing that the burger was the last for a while I savored the burger although it would just be an absence of 2 weeks, I couldn't help it but to savor it like it was my last.
Done with the meal we head to get my pouch for my leatherman, and when we decided to head to the bookstore, that was when (for me at least) the real fun started. We look around for our own books, Tango went straight to the Sci-Fi section, Sierra went around and I just open books for fun. Towards the end Sierra decided to take a look at the astrology stuff and thats when we really started laughing. We first read books about our Chinese Zodiacs, and it turns out that in the year 2010 I will not get along with my whole family except for my sister-in-law and of all people, my father, that, already got me laughing. The book I have to say was relatively quite interesting, I mean to be honest we don't believe EVERYTHING we read but it could be intriguing when one or two of it or the thought of one or two of it were to come through. Like in March 2010 I am in danger of getting robbed, I did not read the details of that one but it sure made me a little more paranoid. So we just kept reading that for a good 20 mins, laughing at almost everything, and me cursing and swearing so loud the people around me were utterly irritated. All of a sudden, Sierra decides to read about our astrology, and so we moved on to our signs. We were quite impressed at how accurate the book were. I mean of course its not 100% accurate but when its not accurate that is when we started laughing. For example, for me they said that I would be a GOOD SPIRITUAL advisor. OH MY GOD, of all people, me! I mean yes I know I not the most religious person in the world but to think that I am "destined" to be a spiritual advisor. That is just plain weird. However, surprised me and make me feel "touched" was when the book said I was a good friend and would respond to any call of help, to defend friends with loyalty and Tango said "so true". I was like "whoa" I didn't know if he was sarcastic or not (by the way I giving the benefit of the doubt hor, Tango don't angry ah), but I was touched. I mean I never asked for recognition but it nice to hear that someone sees that side of me. Ok enough of the mushy shit, back to the laughs. So Tango was browsing and he found Sexscopes which is like horoscope but for sex (like duh..). So when I check my sex stats, turns out my favourite sex position was is anything, and this was in the book "think quality and quantity" *wink wink*. A unintentional joke came when I was reading at what my potent porn would be, it was Dallas Does Hawaii, but caught me not reading the full sentence and he read it out loud, "if you are interesting to see hot dudes' body" or something like that. Oh the laughter that erupted. So then came Sierra's sex stats, favourite position "as long as your ass is dominated!!" Then we read about our friend Charlie who is a Leo, and his favourite sex position would be "receiving oral treatments" My, oh my, we just cannot stop laughing....
There were more but not all jokes were went to be "da bao" or "bungkus" but it was a night to remember, when all we had to do was go to a bookstore to laugh our heart out.
Though I was touched about all the things the books say about me but on the way home I started to wonder, if what the books say are true, IF I am such a great friend and lover. Then why do people hate me so much?? I mean aren't I the type of friend to keep around, the one you can call knowing that no matter where you are I will find the fastest possible way to get to you, the one you know will keep you safe and if done wrong by you would make it right...
Oh well I guess you can't believe everything you read....
So we head to the place with the best HALAL and AFFORDABLE burgers in town. Burger King a.k.a BK. Oh, knowing that the burger was the last for a while I savored the burger although it would just be an absence of 2 weeks, I couldn't help it but to savor it like it was my last.
Done with the meal we head to get my pouch for my leatherman, and when we decided to head to the bookstore, that was when (for me at least) the real fun started. We look around for our own books, Tango went straight to the Sci-Fi section, Sierra went around and I just open books for fun. Towards the end Sierra decided to take a look at the astrology stuff and thats when we really started laughing. We first read books about our Chinese Zodiacs, and it turns out that in the year 2010 I will not get along with my whole family except for my sister-in-law and of all people, my father, that, already got me laughing. The book I have to say was relatively quite interesting, I mean to be honest we don't believe EVERYTHING we read but it could be intriguing when one or two of it or the thought of one or two of it were to come through. Like in March 2010 I am in danger of getting robbed, I did not read the details of that one but it sure made me a little more paranoid. So we just kept reading that for a good 20 mins, laughing at almost everything, and me cursing and swearing so loud the people around me were utterly irritated. All of a sudden, Sierra decides to read about our astrology, and so we moved on to our signs. We were quite impressed at how accurate the book were. I mean of course its not 100% accurate but when its not accurate that is when we started laughing. For example, for me they said that I would be a GOOD SPIRITUAL advisor. OH MY GOD, of all people, me! I mean yes I know I not the most religious person in the world but to think that I am "destined" to be a spiritual advisor. That is just plain weird. However, surprised me and make me feel "touched" was when the book said I was a good friend and would respond to any call of help, to defend friends with loyalty and Tango said "so true". I was like "whoa" I didn't know if he was sarcastic or not (by the way I giving the benefit of the doubt hor, Tango don't angry ah), but I was touched. I mean I never asked for recognition but it nice to hear that someone sees that side of me. Ok enough of the mushy shit, back to the laughs. So Tango was browsing and he found Sexscopes which is like horoscope but for sex (like duh..). So when I check my sex stats, turns out my favourite sex position was is anything, and this was in the book "think quality and quantity" *wink wink*. A unintentional joke came when I was reading at what my potent porn would be, it was Dallas Does Hawaii, but caught me not reading the full sentence and he read it out loud, "if you are interesting to see hot dudes' body" or something like that. Oh the laughter that erupted. So then came Sierra's sex stats, favourite position "as long as your ass is dominated!!" Then we read about our friend Charlie who is a Leo, and his favourite sex position would be "receiving oral treatments" My, oh my, we just cannot stop laughing....
There were more but not all jokes were went to be "da bao" or "bungkus" but it was a night to remember, when all we had to do was go to a bookstore to laugh our heart out.
Though I was touched about all the things the books say about me but on the way home I started to wonder, if what the books say are true, IF I am such a great friend and lover. Then why do people hate me so much?? I mean aren't I the type of friend to keep around, the one you can call knowing that no matter where you are I will find the fastest possible way to get to you, the one you know will keep you safe and if done wrong by you would make it right...
Oh well I guess you can't believe everything you read....
Monday, November 30, 2009
Too Familiar...
After a brutal battle, we all thought it was the end...
A year passed....
I am a year older, a bit stronger, a different look, but again I find myself living in the hospital. Sleeping, eating horrible food with rubbish nutrional values and missing my soccer matches so I have to just see soccernet Gamecast and read text like as if I playing Football Manager...
And oh, listing down my bloody frustrations on my now defunct blog just to make myself a wee bit better...
A year passed....
I am a year older, a bit stronger, a different look, but again I find myself living in the hospital. Sleeping, eating horrible food with rubbish nutrional values and missing my soccer matches so I have to just see soccernet Gamecast and read text like as if I playing Football Manager...
And oh, listing down my bloody frustrations on my now defunct blog just to make myself a wee bit better...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
What's To Come...
Okay, this blog has not been updated since September but I think it doesn't matter anyway. So since September, time really flown for me, lets see...
All I know, my parents left to go visit my brother in Australia and left the whole house to me. Which was cool but more difficult than I thought. I really had a taste of what the real world would be like to fend for myself and with 2 more weeks to go, I think I am able to survive. Things are really more expensive than I thought and transport really drain my funds and cash converter has been a good friend of mine. (Its a good thing I still have stuff to sell.) I wish I could just stay at home and slack til I go onto my new adventure but as usual I still have many responsibilities to fulfil. I hope by the end of all this I really become a better person. If not then I'm just wasting my freaking time.
In two weeks time, I head off to join my friends in serving the country, but I guess I would do it in a different way. I think in a previous entry I wrote that a friend of mine said I would always RIDICULOUSLY put others in front of myself, well, I guess that is a good thing cause if everything goes well, I would risking my own life to ensure the safety for others. (Don't know if I am ready for that.) If not, I probably a waste of space admin office boy working for minimum wage wasting 2 years of my life. I don't know what to expect, because none of my friends went to the acadamy I'm going to end up in. I really just hope for the best and the funny things is I not worrried of being toutured or being scolded or whatever the authority there is going to do. The only thing I'm afraid of, is failing. I just don't want to waste my time...
Only god knows how much time I really have left....
All I know, my parents left to go visit my brother in Australia and left the whole house to me. Which was cool but more difficult than I thought. I really had a taste of what the real world would be like to fend for myself and with 2 more weeks to go, I think I am able to survive. Things are really more expensive than I thought and transport really drain my funds and cash converter has been a good friend of mine. (Its a good thing I still have stuff to sell.) I wish I could just stay at home and slack til I go onto my new adventure but as usual I still have many responsibilities to fulfil. I hope by the end of all this I really become a better person. If not then I'm just wasting my freaking time.
In two weeks time, I head off to join my friends in serving the country, but I guess I would do it in a different way. I think in a previous entry I wrote that a friend of mine said I would always RIDICULOUSLY put others in front of myself, well, I guess that is a good thing cause if everything goes well, I would risking my own life to ensure the safety for others. (Don't know if I am ready for that.) If not, I probably a waste of space admin office boy working for minimum wage wasting 2 years of my life. I don't know what to expect, because none of my friends went to the acadamy I'm going to end up in. I really just hope for the best and the funny things is I not worrried of being toutured or being scolded or whatever the authority there is going to do. The only thing I'm afraid of, is failing. I just don't want to waste my time...
Only god knows how much time I really have left....
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