Last Pre-Enlistment NIght Of Laughter...

Ok so after staying in the hospital for a freaking week, it was nice to breathe the carbon air of Singapore again. So it was nice of Sierra and Tango (not their real names) to accompany me to enjoy myself and release some steam that have been accumilated for the past 7 days. Me being LATE which was no surprise but only because my father is a hopeless monkey who cannot even remember simple instructions, I met up with Tango and Sierra at Orchard MRT. The funny thing that always happens when 3 of us are together is that we always cannot decide anything because we are all for anything, so sometimes we would take hours just to resolve the issue. However, tonight I knew my dinner had to be burger and fries. Oh how I'm going to miss the juicy patty inbetween soft, hot buns and oooeeyy-gooeeeyy cheese...yum..

So we head to the place with the best HALAL and AFFORDABLE burgers in town. Burger King a.k.a BK. Oh, knowing that the burger was the last for a while I savored the burger although it would just be an absence of 2 weeks, I couldn't help it but to savor it like it was my last.

Done with the meal we head to get my pouch for my leatherman, and when we decided to head to the bookstore, that was when (for me at least) the real fun started. We look around for our own books, Tango went straight to the Sci-Fi section, Sierra went around and I just open books for fun. Towards the end Sierra decided to take a look at the astrology stuff and thats when we really started laughing. We first read books about our Chinese Zodiacs, and it turns out that in the year 2010 I will not get along with my whole family except for my sister-in-law and of all people, my father, that, already got me laughing. The book I have to say was relatively quite interesting, I mean to be honest we don't believe EVERYTHING we read but it could be intriguing when one or two of it or the thought of one or two of it were to come through. Like in March 2010 I am in danger of getting robbed, I did not read the details of that one but it sure made me a little more paranoid. So we just kept reading that for a good 20 mins, laughing at almost everything, and me cursing and swearing so loud the people around me were utterly irritated. All of a sudden, Sierra decides to read about our astrology, and so we moved on to our signs. We were quite impressed at how accurate the book were. I mean of course its not 100% accurate but when its not accurate that is when we started laughing. For example, for me they said that I would be a GOOD SPIRITUAL advisor. OH MY GOD, of all people, me! I mean yes I know I not the most religious person in the world but to think that I am "destined" to be a spiritual advisor. That is just plain weird. However, surprised me and make me feel "touched" was when the book said I was a good friend and would respond to any call of help, to defend friends with loyalty and Tango said "so true". I was like "whoa" I didn't know if he was sarcastic or not (by the way I giving the benefit of the doubt hor, Tango don't angry ah), but I was touched. I mean I never asked for recognition but it nice to hear that someone sees that side of me. Ok enough of the mushy shit, back to the laughs. So Tango was browsing and he found Sexscopes which is like horoscope but for sex (like duh..). So when I check my sex stats, turns out my favourite sex position was is anything, and this was in the book "think quality and quantity" *wink wink*. A unintentional joke came when I was reading at what my potent porn would be, it was Dallas Does Hawaii, but caught me not reading the full sentence and he read it out loud, "if you are interesting to see hot dudes' body" or something like that. Oh the laughter that erupted. So then came Sierra's sex stats, favourite position "as long as your ass is dominated!!" Then we read about our friend Charlie who is a Leo, and his favourite sex position would be "receiving oral treatments" My, oh my, we just cannot stop laughing....

There were more but not all jokes were went to be "da bao" or "bungkus" but it was a night to remember, when all we had to do was go to a bookstore to laugh our heart out.

Though I was touched about all the things the books say about me but on the way home I started to wonder, if what the books say are true, IF I am such a great friend and lover. Then why do people hate me so much?? I mean aren't I the type of friend to keep around, the one you can call knowing that no matter where you are I will find the fastest possible way to get to you, the one you know will keep you safe and if done wrong by you would make it right...

Oh well I guess you can't believe everything you read....

Too Familiar...

After a brutal battle, we all thought it was the end...

A year passed....

I am a year older, a bit stronger, a different look, but again I find myself living in the hospital. Sleeping, eating horrible food with rubbish nutrional values and missing my soccer matches so I have to just see soccernet Gamecast and read text like as if I playing Football Manager...

And oh, listing down my bloody frustrations on my now defunct blog just to make myself a wee bit better...

What's To Come...

Okay, this blog has not been updated since September but I think it doesn't matter anyway. So since September, time really flown for me, lets see...

All I know, my parents left to go visit my brother in Australia and left the whole house to me. Which was cool but more difficult than I thought. I really had a taste of what the real world would be like to fend for myself and with 2 more weeks to go, I think I am able to survive. Things are really more expensive than I thought and transport really drain my funds and cash converter has been a good friend of mine. (Its a good thing I still have stuff to sell.) I wish I could just stay at home and slack til I go onto my new adventure but as usual I still have many responsibilities to fulfil. I hope by the end of all this I really become a better person. If not then I'm just wasting my freaking time.

In two weeks time, I head off to join my friends in serving the country, but I guess I would do it in a different way. I think in a previous entry I wrote that a friend of mine said I would always RIDICULOUSLY put others in front of myself, well, I guess that is a good thing cause if everything goes well, I would risking my own life to ensure the safety for others. (Don't know if I am ready for that.) If not, I probably a waste of space admin office boy working for minimum wage wasting 2 years of my life. I don't know what to expect, because none of my friends went to the acadamy I'm going to end up in. I really just hope for the best and the funny things is I not worrried of being toutured or being scolded or whatever the authority there is going to do. The only thing I'm afraid of, is failing. I just don't want to waste my time...

Only god knows how much time I really have left....

29.9.09...My Own Intervention...

Wow, I guess this is how a drug addict or basically a addict would feel. When families suddenly just come and tell you to get your act right. I never knew my family would actually do this to me but they did. I was lost for words. I mean if you have not had an intervention before, you would not know how much emotion could fly around. I mean, the tension and the vibes were so thick, I was just stuck. No excuse in the world could get me out of this one. However, I know after this intervention, nothing's going to change. Nothing ever does, but its nice to finally feel good after so long. Maybe its he boost I need to keep going for a few more years. Though it was just only words, and I never really a fan of words, I couldn't help to hope and ONLY hope that my dad actually meant those words he said.

"I would never trade you for anything in the world..."


Words I never thought he say...I just cried...

It's A Mad World...

With a different tone, immediately I knew something was wrong. I mean, I know my brother all too well. When his upset, his upset. No denying it, no hiding. He told me about his student, whom now he knows for a fact is an ungrateful SOB. I mean, he's telling me about how he train his student, got him a job, buy stuff for him, practically treat him like how would treat me. But then it all went downhill from there, not turning up for work, lying about whereabouts, and he ends it all off with, "I feel betrayed." I wanted to laugh. Ok, not in an evil, cunning sort of way but more of a sarcastic,"I know the feeling" type of way. I guess it runs in the family. We treat people nicely, we trust them, only to be stabbed in the back and kicked to the curb. I told my brother these people are all around and its nothing new. I told him, "What goes around, comes around", but I didn't believe that. I mean, these people are still running around with smiles on their faces thinking they did nothing wrong, but I guess that is the problem. Nobody care about the details, the "little things" that set off unwanted emotion and trouble. I guess thats why the saying, "Who needs enemies with friends like this", was created, to give us that false sense of assurance thats its normal and that its ok. But really, its sad...

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very,
Mad world,
Mad world

United We Fall, Divided We Stand...

I guess to some being away from people is what keeps you going, and I keep getting the impression that that is the way some wants me to be. I really don't underrstand why. Maybe they get me the wrong way or they can see me thorough me. I really don't know and I'm getting really frustrated. How much more can I possibly take?? I even defended some and even did everything for some. But I guess its just no enough...or too much? I hold no strings. I give only my helping hand but I guess to some, accepting that hand is like selling the soul to the devil. Looking back, I guess I don't blame them. I wouldn't shake that hand either...

The Only Thing Constant In Life....Change....

Didn't know why I didn't post this earlier but don't think it makes a difference whether I post this or not. Anyway it was written sometime ago....

Thinking back the years
looking thorugh the memories
thought i was alone and done for
but fate brought you right to me
i never turn back since
a choice i'd never regret
and though horrid things happened
i dont think i want to forget

the times just we sat around
and nothing mattered but us
we still stand side by side
regardless of our past

but if today is the last day
and i'm forced to say goodbye
then i hope with every beat of my heart
that our friendship never dies
but if tomorrow never comes
and i think we ran out of time
then i thank you for this adventure of a lifetime

even if it was shortlived
i'd remember the fun we had
clinching to every minute of it
even if pain was shared

in times we just sat around
and nothing mattered but us
still standing side by side
learning from our past

but if today is the last day
and i'm forced to say goodbye
then i hope with every beat of my heart
that our friendship never dies
but if tomorrow never comes
and i think we ran out of time
then i thank you for this adventure of a lifetime

like a rollercoaster
filled with ups and downs
we made each other smile
eradicating all the frowns

but if today is the last day
and i'm forced to say goodbye
then i hope with every beat of my heart
that our friendship never dies
but if tomorrow never comes
and i think we ran out of time
then i thank you for this adventure of a lifetime

Thanks for the people who made this chapter of my life unforgettable. I know have many regrets, things that I should not have said or done but I have never regret calling any of you my friends. Take care and god bless. Hopefully our paths may cross one last time....

When Death Comes Knocking On Your Door...

They say when you go to another person's funeral or if you see a dead body, you cannot help but think about your own death. I don't know whether that is true or not but I guess it is up to individual. Just about 8 hours ago, my dad received a call telling him he has one sibling less now. So when we visited the body the night itself, all I could do was try to remember who this person really was. I know it sounds bad but you have to understand my family tree is freaking huge plus my dad was never fond of his own side of his family.

Anyway, being in a so called stranger's house with a dead body in the corner of the room was a bit disturbing for me but of course I was there to pay my respects and that was exactly I did. Then I just sat at the corner and for some reason I couldn't help but study my parents. I just watched them as they pay their respects and said the prayers. My mum as usual, started the water works even before she opened her prayer book, and right there I could see it in her eyes, she was thinking about her own death. She was thinking what happens when its time for her to go beyond. I know because those were the same eyes when she was in the hospital bed asking me who was going to pray for her when it was her time to leave, and the same eyes that looked at me and ask whether being in the MRI machine was the same as being buried. To both questions, I totally had no answer for. Well, knowing my mum she thinks about this all the time and I don't blame her because her children especially me are screwed up in one way or another. But one thing she don't see, is that she is LOVED. Not just by her children, but by almost everyone she encounters. She has to be one of the kindest person I know and yes I am proud to call her my mum though sometimes she can be a little "too nice". I think the only people that would have a grudge against her would be our old maids but that still wouldn't be enough to outnumber the number of people she touched. But of course its her wish and tradition that one of the sons does the prayers. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get there, only got knows how farther away that bridge is. I pray its long.

But the surprise of the night would be my dad, who was the that first to get me thinking about other people by saying, "You cry also for what? It's not going to bring the person back to life. You cry also no use, you should have no regrets, if you do then its your fault already. Don't wait for the person to die then regret." Well, I was kind of paraphrasing because he said that eons ago but it sounded along that line. Anyway, as I was watching my dad, I saw a very rare tear that rolled down his cheek and although it was just one tear, it was rare enough to get me thinking. The only time my dad cried recently or ever was when he found out that there was the possibility that he was going to be alone. That was when the doctors told him that there was a tumor in my mom's head. He knew with she gone, I wouldn't be sticking around any longer. He knew he was going to be alone. So when I saw that rare tear, I knew it was for my mum and not my aunt. Knowing my dad, he probably couldn't care less about what had happen to his older sister because he wasn't even that close with her to begin with. He was just there to maintain his reputiation so that he wouldn't look bad and not so "pai seh" when the family comes over to visit during the festive month. To be honest, I found it a little pathetic because I couldn't believe that he couldn't take his own advice and treasure the only person that would be there for him, but then again, the best advice is usually given by the people who don't use it.

Wow, there is sure alot to think about now.....

Last Thing On My Mind...

Ok, so I had a job this weekend. Fine. No big deal. Although it sucks because I have to cancel some plans last minute which I hope people would understand, especially if they know the situation I was in.

Anyway, I thought it was just easy money. Go there, do what I am told and get the money. Damn, I was wrong. When I went there for briefing the boss said he will appoint someone to be in charge when he needs to go everything would be smooth going, but when I heard he chose me I was astonished. ME?! Is he out of his mind?! Worse I thought I was just the "go to" guy. Just for there so that when people ask question I just answer. But NOOOO...the next thing I know. I am in charge of 13 volunteers. I had to give orders instead of taking them, which sucks because I just wanted to take long breaks and slack. But in an instant I was running the whole show. From organising the goodie bags to sorting out the donations. Damn, it was hard. I couldn't even take a single break because the stupid mediacorp women went to lunch, AND NEVER CAME BACK. When I figured she was not coming back, it was way too late to take a lunch break.

The experience however, was fun, and I swear it was stereotype day, because the volunteers consists of guys and girls from JC and ITE. Immediately you can tell which is from which institution. HAHA. The funny thing is when they all keep thinking I working for Mediacorp and keep asking me if I know any famous celebrities. The weirdest thing is that they kept thinking I am the same age as them until they found out my age. Some don't even know what was an LD(Laser Disc). Damn I feel old. Despite age, and just as expected the ITE student were much more faster in showing me some respect than the JC people. It was not til I had to SERIOUSLY speak to them then they realised that I was running the show.

Well...not the easy job I was hoping, but that was only one day. The next day, SLACK day!! Easy money back into my pocket(only til I spend it all again... =.=)

Cutest Drummer I've Ever Seen...

Ok seeing this five year old boy really made my day. I just couldn't stop laughing and when he started doing drumrolls I was utterly impressed because he can actually keep up with a Travis Barker remix. I am really impress and it was cute to watch too....

The Perfect Life...

Ever know someone personally, who have it all, who is heading for the perfect life. You know, good grades, perfect atheletic acheivements, loving family, great girlfriend and just all round loveable guy? Don't you just hate that bastard...You know whats worse than knowing him? Its when you know you pushed yourself for him/her to where that person is now but not even getting a sense of acknowledgement. To make matters worse is when your OWN life is going down the shits and you this person can help but he doesnt even raise a finger. Well I just described 1/8 of the people I had to deal with. I mean, I guess I have to just be happy for them but sometimes I just want to kill them and assume their identity. The temptation is eating me up inside....ARGH!!


KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL。。。。。

I'm Still Alive....for now....

Okok, I know it have been a long time since I posted anything. I wanted to but I just can't. Don't know why but I guess part of it has to do with fact that I have to admit that it's time to move on. Don't get me wrong, I'm those type of people who hates changes...oh no, sir. I thrive on changes, in the sense that I use the opportunity to change myself, make a new impression and even change my past. But I guess I reach a certain point where I just need to stop change, at least for a while. Its tiresome trying to adapt and I've done way too many times. More than anyone can understand. There is so much people don't know, that they could never know. Ok, I'm starting to sound weird. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just want a break, to rest. Get things straigthen out, trying to figure things out. But it's hard, especially when more respondsibilities keep piling on me like bricks in a bag....

Today, my day was brighten because I get to see my friend in person after booking out for the first time from service for the nation. I even receive a call from another that is currently in. It brighthen my day because I feel alive. That I'm not forgotten as people usually are as others move on with their life. It happen to me way too many times. Ya its true, you can make new friends and have a new group. But the question I always ask myself is, what's wrong with the friends I have now? Each are different and I have different things to talk to satisfy all my interest. For one, I have the tech and games with a hint of anime and cartoons. I have one to talk about sciences, facts and skeptical analysis. I have one to talk about sports, martial arts and rubbish. And I have another to talk about life and stuff on the web. Basically I got my bases covered and I don't think I want to change that though I guess it's not up to me to decide. I tried my best, to keep in touch, but there is only so much one guy can do. Soon, we all have to go our seperate ways, but whether we all meet again on the same path is up to them, because I'm already there...waiting....

Who Will Be The New Idol...

Okay, so it's no secret the latest season of American Idol is coming to an end by the end of next week, and so I have to really admit, in my opinion, this season is the by far the best yet. I was really impressed by the talents I've seen this season and I think is the only season I've followed closely since the second American Idol where Rubben Studdard was the winner. From the start I was already a fan of Danny Gokey, because I find his vocals the most consistent except when came the rock theme and try to sing "Dream On" by Aerosmith(which is one of my favourite songs), and realise that his voice is more suited to the souls and ballads. When he got eliminated this week, well a bit disappointing but he did a good job and I'll be waiting to see if he gets signed onto a record label (hope he does).

So now, left Adam Lambert and Kris Allen in the finals. When I think of this final, first thing that comes to mind...LANDSLIDE. In the previous season, David Cook won the American Idols by the loads of votes and it looks like it could be again this season. Adam has been constant in his performance and he keeps impressing the judges, but personally, I think I will be rooting for Kris Allen. Well, since I always favour the underdog, I will be rooting for him especially after he performed "Heartless" which was the performance that everybody is saying placed in on the map. Which I agree. Though I'm not a big fan of Kanye West, when Kris performed that song acoustically on stage, I immediately search for the song and I've been repeating that song ever since. I even went through the net to find The Fray's cover of that song, and I have to say I think Kris Allen's version was more melodic to me (and I am a big fan of the Fray). However, after finally getting my hands on the studio version of Heartless, I was slightly disappointed that Kris did not keep the acoustic style like he did on stage. So with that said...

KRIS ALLEN FOR THE WIN!!! :P

Talking about idols, I wonder what kind of IDIOTS the Singapore Idol will bring. Hehe.

I Really Hate Myself....Idiot!!...

So, I was in a fast food restaurant waiting for a Surprise Birthday Celebration Chalet to start, and I was just cruising the place for comfortable yet secluded place in the restaurant to sit. As I was strolling along, I saw a white, PDA phone right on the floor. It was mere seconds but somehow in my mind it was years that was passing by....

"The phone is behind the guy...he doesn't notice the phone is there. It minght not be his...hmm...seems like he's more interested in entertaining his company. Just drop your jacket over it and pick it up all together. You have a spare charger and even if it doesn't fit you can always get a charger. You know this, you did this before...find a phone and sell it...this is like the easiest score you ever had to do. It looks brand new, not much scratches on it...easy 200 - 300 right into your pocket....KA-CHING...problem solved."

But while my head was doing that....

"Excuse me, sir... is that yours?."

Oh, how idiotic of me. Man, if I was in the situtation before I would have probably taken the phone and have some cash lying arnd. Instead, I wasted money because I went to the wrong chalet and paid for entrance for nothing, paid for $10 for practically for nothing because I could only stay for an hour and didn't even get a drink, plus I didn't trust the person who was handling the food (don't feel like getting babi flu), had to walk home because I miss the bus....how the hell did I become so stupid.... So many things I could have bought with $200...
It doesn't pay to be nice....yet here I am....bloody moron...****!!!!!!!

The Things We Do For The People We Love...

This week has really have been a bittersweet week. I mean, I was caught in a rollercoaster of emotions. In one side of my family, I've witnessed that even the toughest men in the world have a soft spot somewhere. We practically stay up the whole night so that we could find songs, edit them so that they would sound right and even edit each pitch and second so that it would sound perfect. Then we had to go find the perfect gift to go along with the perfect CD. It was so tiring, both of us fell asleep in the cab til the driver had to wake us up when we've reached. I'm glad everything went as plan and we manage to rekindle a fire in the relationship.

On the other hand, I had to stay strong when news were bad. When she was crying, I had to remind her to stay strong and tell her that everything will be alright. Things are now in the hands of God and faith will help bring strength...

Never before have I see him show any care of concern. I really don't know whether to laugh or cry? I mean a part of me is saying he deserve it but the other part is telling me that time was all he needed. I don't know and I don't want to think about it because I have to keep my priorities straight. In the last few months my responsibilities have changed, it has even grown so looks like I have more to think about now...

Bloody Dream...

I dreamt that my face was in a pool of blood...not enough to drown myself, but the whole side of my face was covered with thick crimson blood. The blood was my own, dripping and flowing from every angle of my face. The top of the cushion that my head was resting on was sticky from all the blood it absorbed. I try to move my head but somehow I couldn't because I was too weak. So weak, I couldn't even raise my arms. Thouhgts came rushing through my head, "What happen? Why is there so much blood? Where is the blood coming from? Do I have insurance?"

Suddenly....







I woke up to the sound of screaming. It was my mom. Then I realise it was a dream, or so I thought til I looked down and I saw a dark coloured, soggy cushion where my head was. My face was sticky and when I brushed my hand against my cheek I felt moisture. When I looked at my hand, it was a red liquid. Then I knew, it wasn't a dream after all.....

Cool....

Can't A Guy Get A Break??...

Frustrating, irritating and not to mention, very painful. I never ask anything in return, almost never. I just accepted whatever I got, but how long do I have to keep this up? When is it my turn to reap the rewards? When is it my turn to just relax and let the effort go to someone else? When is it my turn to just sit back and relax???!!! Is that too much to ask....

Sometimes I wonder whether all this is happening, as a form of my punishment or a bunch of test I have to put with...I keep telling myself, "What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger..." But now i'm wishing these test would just kill me already. So I guess its my punishment....

SO FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY!!!!!

But I guess that would just be too easy, now wouldn't it...

Give?? What else???!!!

After such a busy day, I saw something on the television on the way home that almost made my blood boil. It was suppose to be an "Inpiration" section that the stations shows in between scheduled programs. I loved watching this section because sometimes it reminds me of quotes I love using and words that would really inspire me. This time I just felt like smashing the emergency exit door beside me....

Thinking of back about the day, a conversation that clinged on in my head was with the one I had with a friend, talking about our own circle of friends. As the conversation was rolling through my head, these words came on the screen, "Give more.....and you shall.....receive more..."

GIVE MORE??!!! (Sorry for the "Singlish" but I think I really need to express myself here)

"HOW MUCH MORE YOU WANT ME TO GIV SIA??!! NOT ENOUGH, MEH?? All I ask for is just a simple reply. Maybe just a hello? Is that so hard? I know I make mistakes. In all my effort I think I'm still partially human, but what I did was so bad that you can't forgive me? You hate me so much til you don't even want to talk to me? I don't even know what I did wrong. Is it because I care too much? All I want to do is just to payback for all you have done for me, is that so wrong? It is so wrong to hold you close to my heart? You hold a special meaning to my life...I hope you know that. I guess what I predicted was right, take care then.
I'm sure you will be alright..."

He ain't heavy, he my brother...

"When was the last time you cried?" That was a question posed to me by my brother not too long ago, and as I hugged him goodbye today, I was hoping that the emotion was enough to make me tear up a little, and if that didn't work I was hoping that the sight of my mom crying her eyes out will. Nope, both didn't work. Crap... I mean, I use to cry alot, among all the brothers, I'm the so called sensitive one (ironic, huh, despite the fact that I'm EVIL)....sorry just thinking to myself....

Where was I? Oh ya...so bro, once again you leave me for another year or so. It was fun having you back here, and the classic times we had...damn EPIC!!! HAHA! I will miss the stupid laughs, lame jokes and the constant BANZAI!!!!(even until my bed broke) I know we didn't get to part ways on the right terms this time but that didn't stop us to have one last fun.

Bye bro...if you reading this, know that I always love you though you piss me off almost every second...I will miss the late night 7-eleven runs the most, and the weird shit we eat...haha...


P.S. Thx for the phone...

The Results Are In...

Today was suppose to be a good day for me, but like always, I get kicked in the nuts when I least expected it. It was the 2 today and as for what I can say I think its going strong. Ups, downs, we made it through...

But after a message came through, I'm getting kicked in the nuts again. For my fellow man, who was with me this whole year, I apologise again. By the time you see this you would probably seen your results yourself. All I can say is, I am sorry again. I really tried, and as the first day I knew we would be in the same group together I tried my hardest to make sure history does not repeat itself. I was the leader yet I could not be there because I had to attend to personal matters, not that I'm using sickness as an excuse but I guess I just was not strong enough to handle all the responsibility. Despite the fact that the group elected me as the leader either because I was the scapegoat or because I was really the one to lead, I should have done a better job. I'm sorry if you are disappointed and if you want someone to blame, I'm right here. You can dump the blame on me, I probably deserve it anyway. You really did your best even though the circumstances were against us and you should be proud. I really feel bad and hope we can look beyond this and that this does not affect our friendship....

I'm sorry...

Deja Vu or Routine...

How is it after so long and after I tried so hard that I end up sitting here all alone once again trying to figure out the next move. I am literally stuck because I can't leave nor can I stay. But how can it be that I find myself in the same position every year. Knowing that I try so hard to change it. It is either I face the storm out there or I have to deal with my own storm brewing right inside me...

Decisions, decisions...

ARGH!!!!....

I've Done 78 out of 132 Stupid Things In My Life...

Again, found this in Facebook and it was quite interesting because I wanted to know how BIG of an idiot I really am...wanted to just post this in Facebook but just as I wanted to press post I realise my brothers and sisters are in Facebook... :P

Level 1
() Smoked A Cigarette
() Smoked A Cigar
() Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(X) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 1

Level 2
(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) Been Dumped
(X) Shoplifted
() Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 5

Level 4
(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(X) Skipped School
() Slept With A Co-worker
(X) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 7

Level 5
(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
() Been To Paris
() Been To Spain
(X) Been On A Plane
(X) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 11

Level 6
(X) Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
() Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 12

Level 7
() Been In An Abusive Relationship
(X) Taken Pain Killers (Medicine)
(X) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
() Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 15

Level 8
() Had A Tea Party
() Flown A Kite
(X) Built A Sand Castle
() Gone mudding (offroading)
() Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 16

Level 9
(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
() Gone Sledging
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 20

Level 10
(X) Watched The Sun Set
() Felt An Earthquake
() Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 21

Level 11
(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
(X) Been cheated on
(X) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 25

Level 12
(X) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(X) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 28

Level 13
() Had / Have Braces
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 30
Level 14
(X) Hated The Way You Look
(X) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
(X) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 34

Level 15
(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(X) Been Lost
(X) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World (Where exactly is the opp side of the world?)
() Swam In The Ocean
(X) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 38

Level 16
(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
() Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 42

Level 17
(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made a Prank Phone Call
(X) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
() Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 45

Level 18
(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(X) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
() Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere (Does BBQ count??)

SO FAR: 48

Level 19
(X) Crashed A Party
(X) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
() Gone Rollerskating / Blading
() Had A Wish Come True
() Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 50

Level 20
() Worn Pearls
() Jumped Off A Bridge
(X) Swore at the teacher, in front of them
() Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 51
Level 22
(X) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
() Kissed A Fish
() Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top (And I'm afraid of heights...hmmm....)

SO FAR: 53

Level 23
(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(X) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
() Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(X) Recently stayed up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 56

Level 24
() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
() Had/Been in a tree house.
(X) Been scared to watch scary movies alone

SO FAR: 58

Level 25
(X) Believed In Ghosts
() Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Gone Streaking
() Visited Jail

SO FAR: 59

Level 26
() Played Chicken
(X) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
() Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
() Broken A Bone
(X) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 61

Level 27

() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
(X) Caught A Butterfly
(X) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(X) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 64

Level 28
() Mooned/Flashed Someone
(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(X) Cheated On A Test
(X) Forgotten Someone's Name
() French Braided Someones Hair
() Gone Skinny Dipping
(X) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(X)Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 69

Level 29
(X) Rode A Roller Coaster
(X) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
() Had A Cavity
(X) Black-Mailed Someone
(X) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 73

Level 30
(X) Been Used
(X) Fell Going Up The Stairs
() Licked A Cat
(X) Bitten Someone
(X) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 77

Level 31
() Been shot at/or at gunpoint
() Had sex in the rain
(X) Flattened someones tires
() Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
() Got five dollars or less worth of gas

SO FAR: 78

Until The Day I Die...

Tagged by Shar and I have really nothing, NOTHING, to do...

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.(I NOT TAGGING CUZ I LAZY AND I'M NOT THAT BORED!!!)

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Miss Independant - Ne-yo

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I'll Make Love To You/End Of The Road - Boyz II Men & Babyface
(I guess that means love making skills are important to me....:P)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The Time Of My Life - David Cook
(I'm having the time of my life)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
I'm in Love With A Girl - Gavin DeGraw
(HAHA...my purpose is to be in love with a girl. Finally proof that I'm NOT GAY!!!)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Rise Up - Drowning Pool
(HAHA...time to fight.. *game face on*)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Moving Mountains - Usher
(WALIAO!!! I KNOW I BIG LA!!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
What You Got - Colby O'Donis feat Akon
(Alamak!! Exactly what I say when I ask for money...:$)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Leave The Memories Alone - Fuel
(Memories nothing but memories....:( )

WHAT IS 2+2?
Keep Holding On - Boyce Avenue
(I will hang on though I dunno the ans...:P )

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
A Twist In My Story - Secondhand Serenade
(HAHA...depending on which best fren, I dont know what to expect)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Forever And Always (Acoustic) - Bullet For My Valentine
(WOW!!! SO PERFECT!!! HAHAHAHA)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
You Found Me - The Fray(Ok...who found me????)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Wake Up - Story Of The Year
(OMG!! Means I'm still slping??)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Facade - Disturbed
(HAHA...IILUSION...sounds familiar?)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Whatever You Like - T.I
(So what would you like to think of me...:P)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil Wayne
(ALL START HEADBANGING!!)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
When You Look Me In The Eyes - Jonas Brothers
(WTH!!! Ok...no comments....)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Hate (I Really Don't Like You) - Plain White Ts
(Ok...so I like hating ppl. You got a prob wit tht? :@)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Burn - Usher
(HAHA...especially when we play L4D and I throw Molotovs...:P)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Broken Roads - Rascal Flatts
(Huh?? Dunno wat to think of it....)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Beat It - Fall Out Boy feat. John Mayer
(HAHAHAHA...I'll get beaten to death. Hmmm...sounds like me...xD)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
F*** IT - Eamon
(HAHAH...$#^*#@ regrets!!)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Goodbye - SR-71
(U say goodbye, I laugh?....no comments...)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
A Different Kind Of Pain - Cold
(WOW...another fitting one...sighs... :'( )

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Irreplaceable - Ne - Yo (Yes, he was the one who wrote the song and has his own ver)(HAHA...dont you ever get to thinking you're Irreplacble...)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Like A Knife - Secondhand Serenade
(Yes...knives are scary...)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Time After Time - Quietdrive
(HAHA..ppl only like me time after time...nvr the same person each time. :P)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
What Have You Done Now - Within Temptations
(What did you do??...haiz...)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Until The Day I Die - Story of The Year
(Hahaha...ppl will think I writing suicide note...)

This was also posted in my Facebook since Shar tagged me from there. Anyway, I was just glad the Ponyo song never came out...hahahaha.

Valentine's Day Again...

Well, it is that time again, when everybody who has nobody wished they had somebody and those who has somebody wish they didn't. Been reading the papers and this Valentine's Day is the pinnicle question that has me and my friend thinking, "Fact or Fiction?". In this front page news covered a certain Radio DJ stating on air that he and his celebrity wife has "split up". Whether its true or not, is still a debate because nobody really know the answers, and there no sign of the two ever having problems, but then again the wife is an actress, not a good one but still, maybe she still is able to deceive some.

Anyway, with this Valentine's Day I decided to post a song I wrote for someone quite sometime back. Don't think it was remembered. I think this is the only "upbeat" song that I wrote, and this song is more about me. But if you are willing to do the things stated then I guess this song is for you too. Like they say, people always do crazy things when they are in love. :P

"Who I Am"

You said you were hurt

once or twice beforeyou said that he turned outto be someone you hate (it maybe too late)
does he care about your day

does he ask you if you're okay

if he does then i'm happy for you
but i'm telling you that i'm different

and these words i speak are true

though

chorus
I dont have the world to give to you

but there's nothing i wont do

I dont have the riches of any kind

but I've got the time

with a shoulder to cry on

I'll wipe away your tears

I'll hold on to your hand

and walk with you through your fears

I'll carry you awayif your leg's got a cramp

or I'll hold you til the end

That's just who I am

does he care if you cry (it maybe alot)

does he even bother to understand why

are you tired of his promises to change

when all he does is remain the same

does he touch your heart

or does he tear you apart

I can't speak for you

you have to decide what to do
but I'm telling you i'm different

and these words I speak are true

chorus

I'll cook you a meal

we'll dine under the stars

I'll sing you this song

playing on my guitar
I'll give you my jacket

if you're feeling cold

if you tell me you care

I'll tell you i'm sold
if you feeling lonely

just stare at the moon

just know, I'll be there

I'll be there, real soon

I dont have the world to give to you

but there's nothing I wont do

I dont have riches of any kind

but I've got the time

with a shoulder to cry on

I'll wipe away your tears

I'll hold on to your handand walk with you through your fears

I'll carry you away

if your leg's got a cramp

or i'll hold you til the end

and I wish to bring you around

from Europe to Japan

and I'll struggle if I have to

Thats just who I am

Demons, Nothing But Demons...

I'm fighting. I really am. I'm trying my best I guess. But flashbacks got me rattled. I need help but no one can help me except myself. I'm scared, I don't want to lose what I have now. I don't want all those things that I have worked so hard for just to go down the drain. Frustrations, anger are all I feel nowadays, just like how I feel years ago. I need to prevent history from repeating....or die trying...


Nevermind, I'm ok....I'm always ok.

Sighs...

I seriously couldn't think of a better title. I guess that how, wear out I am. Sleep is nothing but a myth to me or maybe its more like a fairy tale.....

Juggling, I guess that is the activity of the year for me. But I'm not talking about juggling life or the different portions of your life. For me, i have to juggle baggage, emotional baggage to be precise. Baggage and lies, that is all I juggle now. There are moments when I feel like giving up and telling the truth but I know the truth is overrated. Whoever said, "The truth would set you free", should be hanged and shot. If you want to know what the truth can do, go watch the show moment of truth, though I find the show very utterly disgusting, the consquences are all so true. Now, i'm stuck with another lie in my face. Living another lie, but I just can't bear to let it go because for the first time in my life, I finally find myself where I want to be, but my utopia is not to be because of obstacles that others cannot surpass. So again, I end up alone over the ridge and in the fields, wondering if the grass is really greener on the otherside. It is pathetic that I found comfort in her misery, but I guess one gesture of love was all I was looking for, and now that gesture has been reversed, I feel like I'm back to where I started. Working harder than even before just so I could get ahead a little further. It's human to want more, but so is to err. I guess I have to be contented with the situtation at hand, I mean, I'm even lucky to have anything at all, but I guess it was my turn to be tired, I was tired for the last 20 years, what's another 20 more...

If you were to see some other blogs you would probably see the song that is shown below. Anyway, enjoy... :)

"I'm always ok..."

~ Amin SK....

A Post for the New Year...

It's been a while since my last post, I thought of waiting for the birthday of my blog to post the first post of the New Year but I realise I miss my blog's birthday by 4 days. Sorry Bloggie...

Anyway, I would really like to send my condolences to two families. To the Travolta family, who lost a dear son and brother. It was a tragic start to their New Year and I wish for them the strength to move on and live past this horrible mishap.

To the Ng family, who are now in my prayers, have lost a wife, a mother, a son and a brother. Mr Ng a loving husband and father, has a heart that was almost pure, he could have made any regular person look like the devil. It is sad that such a tragedy could happen in such hard times. When I was in OCBC, he risked his own job just to save a stupid bunch of interns, and til now that gesture is remembered. But knowing Mr Ng, he would raise his head high, and carry on to work to raise his remaining children and hopefully put this tragedy behind him.

A rough start for alot of us but I guess we will all pull through, if not there are many ways available to end our own lives. The ways are only limited to our imagination. This New Year, alot of quotes that have been coming my way have been proven right. For example, "Some guys got all the luck", I really hate this one, because I'm not one of the guys. Through my life, I've been stabbed, kicked, punched, rammed, pummeled, slashed, hit by a car, slapped, whipped and lots more. Some of these words I used are for the sake of expression, but some are really true. The term, "loser" was also proved right this year. I've called that a thousand times and though I never really paid much attention to it, it seems like it was true all along. I guess there alot of things I could say or describe but I think it is just irritating to all who is reading this. So below is a song I attached, it will be my theme for this year, "A New Year, A Different Kind Of Pain"....

Hope you guys like it like I do....