They say when you go to another person's funeral or if you see a dead body, you cannot help but think about your own death. I don't know whether that is true or not but I guess it is up to individual. Just about 8 hours ago, my dad received a call telling him he has one sibling less now. So when we visited the body the night itself, all I could do was try to remember who this person really was. I know it sounds bad but you have to understand my family tree is freaking huge plus my dad was never fond of his own side of his family.
Anyway, being in a so called stranger's house with a dead body in the corner of the room was a bit disturbing for me but of course I was there to pay my respects and that was exactly I did. Then I just sat at the corner and for some reason I couldn't help but study my parents. I just watched them as they pay their respects and said the prayers. My mum as usual, started the water works even before she opened her prayer book, and right there I could see it in her eyes, she was thinking about her own death. She was thinking what happens when its time for her to go beyond. I know because those were the same eyes when she was in the hospital bed asking me who was going to pray for her when it was her time to leave, and the same eyes that looked at me and ask whether being in the MRI machine was the same as being buried. To both questions, I totally had no answer for. Well, knowing my mum she thinks about this all the time and I don't blame her because her children especially me are screwed up in one way or another. But one thing she don't see, is that she is LOVED. Not just by her children, but by almost everyone she encounters. She has to be one of the kindest person I know and yes I am proud to call her my mum though sometimes she can be a little "too nice". I think the only people that would have a grudge against her would be our old maids but that still wouldn't be enough to outnumber the number of people she touched. But of course its her wish and tradition that one of the sons does the prayers. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get there, only got knows how farther away that bridge is. I pray its long.
But the surprise of the night would be my dad, who was the that first to get me thinking about other people by saying, "You cry also for what? It's not going to bring the person back to life. You cry also no use, you should have no regrets, if you do then its your fault already. Don't wait for the person to die then regret." Well, I was kind of paraphrasing because he said that eons ago but it sounded along that line. Anyway, as I was watching my dad, I saw a very rare tear that rolled down his cheek and although it was just one tear, it was rare enough to get me thinking. The only time my dad cried recently or ever was when he found out that there was the possibility that he was going to be alone. That was when the doctors told him that there was a tumor in my mom's head. He knew with she gone, I wouldn't be sticking around any longer. He knew he was going to be alone. So when I saw that rare tear, I knew it was for my mum and not my aunt. Knowing my dad, he probably couldn't care less about what had happen to his older sister because he wasn't even that close with her to begin with. He was just there to maintain his reputiation so that he wouldn't look bad and not so "pai seh" when the family comes over to visit during the festive month. To be honest, I found it a little pathetic because I couldn't believe that he couldn't take his own advice and treasure the only person that would be there for him, but then again, the best advice is usually given by the people who don't use it.
Wow, there is sure alot to think about now.....
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